Around the Country Shower - Jackson, MS

Hey guys, it's Around the Country shower update time!  I need to write a separate post soon on what all has been going on.  We are about to hit the end of the 2nd trimester, so we have quite a bit to update.  


I am trying not to be too slow in posting these, but it does get hectic!  This post is coming to you all from Jackson, MS from Laura and David Burt!  They sent us the cute hooded baby towels (that match Holly and Alex's baby wash cloths), a safety outlet cover/cord shortener, safety tweezers/clippers, the snot sucker (it may have a formal name, but I know it as the thing every baby needs but HATES!!) and of course MISSISSIPPI STATE SOCKS!!  They are so tiny and adorable, and he will definitely be wearing them home from the hospital.  We have to let everyone here in Baton Rouge know where his allegiance lies!  We'll need to get him a cute little Mississippi State cap to match it.  :)


Thank you so much David and Laura!  We appreciate you guys thinking of us now, we are feeling very loved.  You guys are all fantastic.  I am attaching a super cute picture of them from our rehearsal dinner.  :)  It's amazing at how time flies!

Around the Country Baby Shower - Lake Jackson, TX

Happy early Thanksgiving everyone!  We are at home, cleaning and getting ready for holiday travel tomorrow to Mississippi. We are going to Natchez and Fayette to visit Randy's family for lunch/dinner.  Then we will head back to Baton Rouge and spend the long weekend just us - laying wood, tiling the mantel, and of course watching football!!


We also have a new entry for our baby shower - from Lake Jackson, TX.  The gift is from Lauren and Thomas Welch!  They gave baby Graves (Preston, maybe? We are still thinking!) some great baby books.  The Very Hungry Caterpillar has always been one of my favorites, and one I love to give to others expecting babies.  They also gave us 2 Dr. Seuss books, There's a Wocket in my Pocket and just in time for Christmas - How the Grinch Stole Christmas!  Thank you guys both so much!!

Around the Country Shower - Huntsville, AL

Hey guys!  We have another shower update!  This time the gift is coming from Huntsville, AL.  It is actually a little ironic being that the area is actually my hometown!  Oh how I miss it!  Baby Graves (because yes, still no name) received a really cute little boy bib set race cars.  My dad was definitely a fan of this one.  We also got the cutest little set of baby wash cloths, with turtles, duckies and caterpillars.  

I am the giant woman behind the cute baby stuff!!  Anyone else notice how small I am making that Christmas Tree look?  I am going to be outrageously huge before this is finished!  And here is the sweet couple that sent the gift!

Thank you so much to the Allens!!  

Around the Country Baby Shower

     I have awesome friends!  But one bad thing about it is they are all pretty much in every state in the Southeast.  They decided to get together and have an "across the country" baby shower.  During a selected week or so, someone is mailing me a gift and will either mail or email me a photo of themselves.  The photo will be of them giving me the gift.  I in turn will open the gift and take a photo of my opening the gift like you would do if you were actually at a baby shower.  This was so original!  And of course, when I heard about it I cried, lovely pregnancy hormones!  So I got our first gift this week!...

     This is the gift we received from Darcy and Daren Keel!  It is a super cute diaper bag and a pacifier pod.  The pacifier pod is something I can hook on to my purse so I always have a separate clean place for the pacifiers.  The things you have to think about with a baby, huh?  I guess that's why they say life changes drastically!!  I will admit to something though - we received it yesterday but I had no plans so it was a no make-up air dry my hair kind of day.  So I waited until church this morning to take the photo - had to look at least a little better!!  Thank you guys so much, I love it!
 

I've Been a Slacker!

Ok guys, sorry for not updating!  After losing the twin, I think I just wanted to wait until it was more concrete and out of the first trimester.  Well a lot has happened!  We are now 21 weeks along, and found out October 19th that it's a boy!  I will admit, I was a little disappointed (I really wanted the girl!)  But I am excited now and we are thinking of names!  The bump has really grown, there is no hiding it now.  People who see me ask when I'm due without knowing ahead of time I am pregnant.  It's exciting that the world can now see what is making us so happy.  The old ladies touching the belly is slightly weird though, I'll admit I am not used to that.  I like my personal space, so strangers touching your belly out of the blue takes me by surprise!

We started getting to work on the nursery once we found out what we were having.  In one weekend, I bought the crib / changing table, registered at Babies R Us, picked out and bought the bedding, and started laying the hardwood floors.  Picking out the bedding was a hard choice, because little boy stuff just isn't as cute as little girl stuff!  But we chose a red white and blue little aviator theme - patriotic airplanes, so fits his daddy!  And we'll paint clouds on our sky blue walls and Randy will even make a few model airplanes to hang.  It's getting so exciting.  Our next doctor's appointment is November 16th for the 24 week appointment.  
 
As far as how I am feeling, I am about 120% better!  The morning sickness is gone, I'm not very tired, and I just feel normal.  The only thing plaguing me is heartburn, and it's torture!  I have discovered I can take Zantac, but I think my body is finding a way to get around that.  I had some heartburn before getting pregnant, so I'm getting used to it.  We also get another ultrasound at the 24 week appointment so they can see some extra detail.  Here is a photo of him at 20 weeks - it's a back view and you can see his spine in detail, very neat!

9 Weeks

We have hit 9 weeks!  I want to try and write a blog each Friday, but I'm late usually!  I went to the doctor this last Friday, but Randy was out of town so my mom brought me.  They wouldn't let me go alone since I am still not supposed to be driving.  And they are strictly watching what all I do!  During the ultrasound, we got a perfect view of the baby.  As you can see, you can clearly see the baby from a side view, and even the umbilical chord!  I even saw the heartbeat finally.  And the most amazing thing, during the ultrasound the baby started to kick and wiggle.  It was incredible.  Randy hated to miss it. The blood clot is still there.  You can see it in the bottom right of the photo.  The doctor wanted me to keep taking it easy, but to have limited activity.  He was weary about me returning to work as far as I drive, so we decided that this little life is way more important than risking it.  I go back this Friday, so we are praying that we'll reach that point where the baby is that much bigger than the clot.  The doctor doesn't seemed worried, so that helps ease our nerves! On to the baby...

The baby is now an inch long!  It's amazing at how soon it goes from microscopic to now.  It is about the size of a grape.  All the essential body parts are there, even if tiny.  His teeth are starting to form, and the heart now has four chambers.  The eyes are formed, but the eyelids remain shut until about 27 weeks.  The sex organs are forming, but won't be distinguishable for a while!  The best part is the placenta is just about fully developed (between 9 and 10 weeks) and should take over hormone production soon.  Thank heavens!

If anyone is wondering why I use "he" - I just have a feeling!  I just know it's going to be a little boy :)  We'll find out in about 11 weeks!  Also, the doctor took me off estrogen patches and I had nausea relief for about 2 days.  I didn't get sick at all, it was fantastic.  And yesterday, my body caught back up to the missing estrogen.  So still nauseous - had my hopes up too soon!  I'll give another update this coming Friday.

Everyone keep praying!

Long Overdue!

The head is to the right of the arm/leg buds

Ok, so I have been REALLY bad at writing.  So much has happened since that positive, I just haven't had time.  Things have been a roller coaster since then.  First we found out it was twins at 5w4d.  We were super excited, but super scared.  Then at 6w6d I developed a massive blood clot and lost one of the babies.  It was a horrifying and painful experience.  The silver lining was the other baby was ok, but I had to stay bed rested until the clot cleared itself up.  So, I am now 8w3d and still on bed rest until this Friday when I'll be 9 weeks.  So now that our roller coaster has been told, time for the good stuff...


I am SOOO nauseous!  It started at 5w5d and hasn't let up since then.  I was hoping I'd inherit the gracious good luck of my mother and not be nauseous at all during pregnancy.  Instead, I think God let it skip a generation, and let her lack of nausea make up itself in me.  The doctor gave me a Rx for Zofran, which is fantastic.  It stopped the wake up in the morning till you go to bed sickness, but I'll still get sick at some point during the day.  I actually lost some weight the first couple of weeks due to not being able to eat much.  And I'm still limited on what I can eat, because certain smells trigger that run to the toilet feeling.  Randy and I even switched sides of the bed so I can be closer to the bathroom!  Good thing to, because I think my minimum bathroom runs at night is around 3-4 - so lack of sleep is also included!


I have a few more unsavory side effects that I won't describe!  But you can look up early preggo symptoms and get the gist!  So far, things are going well.  The baby is starting to look more baby like and less sea monsterish. He is about 3/4 of an inch long. The eyelids are forming, the nose is starting to form, and the ears are developing inside and out.  The heart has divided into chambers.  Elbows and knees have started to form and the arms and legs are growing longer!!  The fingers and toes are webbed, but beginning to take shape.  By week 10, we'll leave the embryonic phase and hit the fetus phase.  In the picture you can see the head is to the right, with the arm/leg buds to the left on the bottom.  It's amazing.  We are so excited!

It's POSITIVE

We had our beta yesterday and it was positive!!  A 128!  And as you can see from the picture the day before, I've been excited!  And pretty much too excited and busy to write this very important entry.  Randy and I are so happy, we have never reached this point.  We want the prayers to continue so we can make it past the first trimester.  

Our next step is another beta on Tuesday, 6/29.  They want the number to double every 2 days, or every 48-72 hours is ok.  They will do a couple of betas and then schedule an ultrasound around 7 weeks.  I am currently 4 weeks pregnant.  So lets pray that everything continues to go well!  

I would like to start writing about each week, where the baby is and what is happening with me, but I am afraid to jinx it!  I will say that the morning sickness has started!  The first 2 times it was when I was hungry and didn't eat quick enough.  But last night I was reading a wave of nausea hit me, I had to put the book down and lay down.  The fun has began!  I've never been so excited to get sick in my life!  

One more non-jinxing moment hopefully - the due date will be around March 3, 2011.  :)

Transfer Day

Well today was our FET transfer day!! The transfer went smoothly and ideal, so no problems there. They thawed the first straw, and only one made it :(. But they thawed the second straw and both made it! So we put back 3 perfect blastocysts! Here is a picture of 1 of the 3. Secretly I think I was hoping for 3, just to up my chances since the likelihood of triplets was low. I think I should be knocking on wood about right now? ;) Randy is a little nervous though, which is understandable! I just really hope this is it and we don't have to go through this again. I'm tired of needles, and strict schedules, and all around disappointment. I'm ready to be pregnant, so that I can move on to the freaking out because I'm pregnant and don't know what to do! I've been focused for over 2 years on the getting pregnant part - don't know much about what to do after! But at least on that end, I'll have people to talk to who have been on THAT part of the journey! So keep praying and cross all your fingers and toes!

Quick FET Update

The dates have changed slightly.  The FET will be pushed back by a day to Wednesday the 16th.  I went in for my ultrasound/blood work on Wednesday and my estrogen was a little low and the lining wasn't as thick as they would like it.  I'm trying not to worry, but they sounded surprised so it did scare me a little.  They gave me additional estrogen to take, so I really hope it works.  They didn't want to do another ultrasound/blood work before the ultrasound, which has me a little worried.  I might call on Monday and ask them about it.  The GOOD news is that the pregnancy test will stay the same, Friday the 26th.  With moving it back a day, 10 days later is on a Saturday, but they want me to still test on Friday.  So now instead of a 10 day wait, I have a 9 day wait.  A little ray of sunshine, right?  I started my daily Progesterone IM shots today, ouch - so it's a needle or more  day now.  And if it's positive, the progesterone continues for at least 3 additional weeks.  OUCH!  At least I'll be a happy-hormonal-morning-sick pin cushion!  Keep praying!!

To 1 or to 3

We went to the doctor today to discuss our options for the FET (frozen embryo transfer).  They will unfreeze 1 straw with 2 embryos, but not all the embryos always survive.  We had to decide if we wanted to stay with 1 or unfreeze another.  If another was unfrozen, and both survived, then we had 3 embryos.  We were torn on what to do, so we went to get the doctor's opinion!  My biggest fear is "what if all 3 take?"  I think I might die.  From lack of sleep.  And money.  And Randy might leave me.  :)  All those sound like bad options on my end.  But then we weigh the options - the first failed, so what are the chances that ALL 3 would take?  And I'd really rather not have to write another BFN next to my user signature on my fertility forum sight.  It's getting long, and a BFP would look so much better.  The doctor advised if it comes to that, to unthaw another straw and put back 3.  He said our odds of all taking are around 5%, and it would more likley be twins.  Which I can totally live with!  So if everything goes ok, our transfer will be June 15th, and the beta test on June 25th.  Keep praying!!

Babydust!!

Here We Go Again

We started shots again yesterday, 5/23.  We are on short protocol Ganirelix, and when this cycle starts about 5 days later I'll start my intramuscular shots again.  This time I have both Estrogen and Progesterone.  The tentative schedule is the transfer will be around June 15th, with the beta test 10 days later.  I do have a lot more to say, but not enough time to say it in.  I think this entire process is just wearing on me - I'm sick of needles!

Bad Day Turned Great

Today started out slightly miserably.  I decided to check Aetna and see if my medication for our next round of FET IVF (Frozen Embryo Transfer) had posted yet.  It had.  I expected it to be less than previous, because I needed no stimulants with this being a frozen cycle.  It was slightly less, but not much.  It was over double what I had been expecting!  After that initial shock, I then noticed the Estrogen Injection. Last time I was able to take a pill, but I am guessing due to the failure of the first IVF they have decided to up the ante.  So then I just lost it - I was emotionally terrified of doing this second round, now it was more injections with lots more money.  Something has to give!

I started looking closer and didn't see any location where the prescriptions were coming out of my flexible spending so I called Aetna.  I apparently have an out-of-pocket max on RX each year at $1000.  I have apparently met it, so all my prescriptions for the rest of the year are covered at 100%!!  So all of these fertility meds are free instead of 1200!!  Also with my plan, there is no cap on fertility drug coverage, and there usually is.  So instead of this round of FET costing around 1000+ it will be around 500 max!  How fantastic is that?  It just released some of the worry over the success of this next round.  If it fails again, it will be much easier to turn around, hold my head up and try again. 

Great day!!

An Article That Needs Reading

I found this recently during a bad day.  I've been thinking a break will make things better, but they seem to get worse.  Things just don't want to heal.  I think this is worth reading for anyone who even knows anyone dealing with infertility.



Infertility: I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me
By Ryan Jacobson, Contributing Writer




Five years into our marriage and still no children. We had tried it all -- test after test, doctor after doctor, procedure after procedure. Every "specialist" to whom we were referred claimed to have the solution, yet nothing worked. No one knew what was wrong with us physically. Worse still, no one knew what was wrong with us emotionally -- not even we did.

A Death In The Family



Grief is the most selfish of all emotions, and infertility is grief -- a grief that no one else quite understands. In fact, most people don't have a clue.


When you are suffering through infertility, every day that you awaken NOT PREGNANT opens a new wound. It's another death in the family. Yes, the pain can be that significant. Every minute of every day is spent mourning the loss of a child -- your child.


They say that time heals all wounds, but not this one. Time is your enemy. Every day is another funeral, another failure.


At least, that's how my wife and I felt.


I Am Alone


If you've ever experienced the loss of a loved one, you might have a frame of reference for what I am describing. That's not to belittle the grief associated with death, nor is it to say that the feelings are one and the same. They aren't. But they do share the emotional exhaustion, the intensity of pain and the complete isolation. You are alone and helpless. Even your spouse, your partner, your love, your rock --they are absent; they cannot be there because their daily heartbreak isolates them, too.


Infertility is death, but with this tragedy there is no funeral. There is no gathering of friends and family. There is no closure. And as so often is the case, when you need your support system most, you haven't the strength to ask for help. No one will take care of you because they do not know they are needed.


You break all ties, further isolating yourself. You can't go out because -- heaven forbid -- you may see someone pregnant or with a young child. You start skipping birthday parties. Family reunions are out of the question because Cousin Martha has a baby on the way. Getting together "just to hang out" is no fun because they don't understand. (And who wants to be with a bunch of happy people anyway?) If you're religious, you might even start asking yourself, "Can I love a God who will not give me a child?"


You're left without the energy or the will to so much as dial a telephone. Your loved ones begin to wonder, "What's their problem?" Soon you become a punch line. "What do you think their excuse will be this time?" And then you realize that your support system is gone. Now, even if you mustered the courage to reach out, to ask for help, there would be no one left to answer.


What Should I Do?


I decided to write about infertility because you need to know. If you are struggling with infertility issues, recognize your grief. Acknowledge it. Then send this page to everyone you know. That's all you have to do for now. Your loved ones will take care of the rest.


How Can I Help Someone I Love?


If you know someone who is having difficulty starting a family, understand that they need you. I can't tell you what they need, except to know that you are there for them unconditionally. Your relationship will likely be a little bumpy for a while. Heck, it might be a lot bumpy. You must take it upon yourself to single-handedly keep the relationship alive. Touch base often, and make time to hang out (even if you have to drag them, kicking and screaming the whole way). If you have kids, leave them at home -- your joy is their heartbreak. And realize that quality, one-on-one time is far better than big, blowout parties.


Resist that natural human tendency to "keep score." It doesn't matter if you've called them 10 times in row and they haven't reciprocated. They probably don't have the strength. Like I mentioned before, you're entering a stretch of time in which you may have to do all of the work. Hopefully, the day will never come when it's their turn to do the same. But if it does, you can bet they'll be there for you.


At least once a week, you also need to ask specifically about their infertility and how things are going. I know: "Infertility" is a scary word to vocalize, but do it anyway. Maybe they won't want to talk about it. Respect that. But maybe they need to vent. Listen and be supportive; that alone will go a long way.


Finally, I want to encourage you to be persistent. This isn't a grief that gets easier with time. It gets harder. The longer they go through this, the more painful it will become and the more they will need you....

I love my puppy!

Why We Share

"Why or why not do you choose to share your infertility struggles with others?"

I've been meaning to write about this topic for a while.  It seems to be an insignificant aside to infertility as a whole, but when one phone call can make your life hit a brick wall, it is a huge decision.  Infertility is a very emotional, invasive, and private matter.  Lots of people choose to deal with it alone as a couple, deal with it with a close group of people, or like me, share it with anyone interested.  I thought I would share my reasons for writing this blog in order to help any others who may one day be where we are.

1.  Prayer.  Pure and simple.  We believe in the power of prayer, and we have seen it work in our live and others.  We have seen God do what we thought was impossible.  Our entire relationship has been God driven - from Randy's activation, to my getting a job in Baton Rouge and Randy transferring to LSU.  I've written a previous post when Randy graduated that highlighted all those blessings (May 2009, Moving Mountains.)  The more people who are praying for us, the better.

2.  Understanding.  I am normally a very open person with anything that is going on, so I don't hide emotions well.  When I am upset, everyone and their mother can tell.  I knew this journey would be no different, actually much worse.  I have isolated myself from friends at times because it was the only way to keep myself together at the seams.  If my friends didn't know, they would not have understood and could have taken as a slight.  By telling them, they were able to help me when I needed it, and grant me understanding when I needed that.  By knowing, people understand when I avoid baby showers or events that will only intensify my pain.

3.  Prevention.  The worst feeling in the beginning was when people didn't know.  We had been trying for a year before we knew anything was wrong, and comments like "When are you going to have kids?" "You're not getting any younger" "God made marriage for children, so you shouldn't wait" hurt then.  And yes, that last one was a sermon from our pastor one day.  I was ready to storm the stage, but his 6'4" football player frame still scared me away.  People didn't know we were trying, so when I started to worry if something was wrong, those comments hurt.  They are more torturous now, but much less in number.  By sharing with most people I know, they avoid small talk comments that to most sound innocent, but to someone in our situation will rip your heart out. 

4. Witnessing.  I started the blog to keep family and friends up to date.  Also it was a way for me to vent feelings and chronicle the journey.  I have heard from a few people that are starting the same journey that it has been helpful and great for them to read.  And even just an encouragement for others.  I never intended, or even thought of it that way, but it is encouraging to know it has been helpful.  I can be a witness/support to others experiencing the pain and heartbreak that can only be understood by a mom without a child. 

I am not saying that this is the way to go for everyone.  I've always been an open book, so it was natural for me.  I wanted to give my reasons for sharing my journey for anyone that has ever wondered why… or may even be struggling with this question themselves.

Bitterness of Soul

"In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:10

"As month after month, then year after year, passed without the blessing of a living child in our home, my soul learned the foul taste of bitterness.  My angry, festering heart ached constantly.  That Hannah "wept much" seems to be a terribly inadequate description for the torrent of tears that accompanied me through years of longing and loss." - Jennifer Saake, Hannah's Hope

     Unfortunately bitterness is an emotion that always parallels infertility trials.  Months and years of trying to conceive accompanied by the emotional roller coaster of hopes rising only to be crushed.  Procedures get more expensive, more invasive, more painful.  For others, adoption failures also gather in emotional and financial expense.  Yet all around us, there are reminders of what we don't have.  Families and motherhood are such a normal, inescapable part of life, you don't realize the constant burn of these daily reminders until you've dealt with infertility. The worst is that I long to be normal.  To celebrate pregnancies and births with people I care about.  But their joy only deepens my pain. It then further causes me to distance myself from those that I need the most.

     Then you can add the normal events of life to the feeling of "why me?"  I fight the daily bitter anger toward people I feel don't deserve the blessing of motherhood.  The relative who is unmarried and a drug addict.  The teenager that doesn't want an inconvienince, so she aborts her child.  These seemingly unfair situations cause pain so deep I've cried out resentfully to God in my anger.

     How do I deal with this bitterness?  I need to turn it over to God.  And I am trying, but it is a daily struggle.  I've been thinking of the blessings I've been given, and trying to see lives from others' shoes.  The women who don't have the love of someone like Randy, that don't know Christ - maybe God is using children to bring them to Him.  Maybe the child will be the blessing that turns their lives around.  We all have these feelings of anger sometimes.  I just feel I need help in trying to overcome it.  I need the help of you - my friends and family who care about me and are reading this blog.  I don't want this pain to rule my life.  I don't think it will heal completely anytime soon, but with God's help - and the help of you - I want to learn to manage it.  I think this pain will always be part of me, but it's not going to define me.

Follow Up Appointment

        I went in for our follow up appointment today.  I managed to not cry at all, so I think it was a huge success!  When Dr. Dunaway first walked in, he was shaking his head saying he had no reason, no excuse.  Everything went beyond textbook.  He even told me that of the entire IVF group in that cycle, he expected me to be the one pregnant with twins, and I ended up being the only one not pregnant.  I know he didn't mean it bad, it was just true, but it was just another blow to my ego.  More like, what in the world is wrong with me then?  Even with perfect appearing embryos, they can still be genetically unviable.  So they probably just picked the 2 that weren't right.  The other doctors and even the embryologist had no idea what happened.  Even having 12 grade 4 embryos to freeze is way above average and not normal at all.  So we have no idea.  We just hope there isn't something else wrong with me that hasn't been found yet. 

        So maybe May, more likely June, we'll try again.  More shots, but not near as many.  And the costs will be significantly less.  So hopefully the spring will go well, and we will be optimistic and ready to go again in June.  He even told us to be just as optimistic for the frozen transfer as the fresh, because we will get pregnant.  I'm not going to lie, optimism during that 2 week wait is just about impossible.  You have nothing to think about but "did it work?"  I keep telling myself it's in God's hands and there are reasons for everything - but you reach the point where it is only hollow words.  I am trying to keep my faith, but it's shattered at the moment.  And it's still raining so hard I can no longer hear Him through this storm. 

Smile for the Day!

The Next Step

The past few days have been hard.  It has been a time for Randy and I to look at everything and evaluate.  We have decided to take a break for a while.  We tried a year on our own with no success.  This was followed by 10 months of expensive and invasive tests, procedures, and in the end - failures.  We do have 12 frozen embryos, but my emotional bank account is empty.  It is actually in the red.  I need to go back to normal.  We need to go back to normal and be us.  Nearly two years of this would exhaust anyone.  I want to enjoy the spring - enjoy camping, canoeing, crawfish festivals, tubing, weddings, and just enjoy Randy.  To be a couple without this devestation always hanging around.  And we can replenish the savings account instead of constantly emptying it.  And hopefully even go back to Jamaica for our 3 year anniversary!  We had so much fun and it would be a good trip to get away.  If not there, we will definately do something to get away.  So maybe in June we will start back up.  By then we'll have a full bank account - emotional and financial.  Hopefully it will work the first time.  But if not, I'll be able to handle it.  If we had another failure in the next month or so, we couldn't handle it.  So look forward to a few months of more uplifting blogs - hopefully with lots of pictures from an enjoyable spring.  In the meantime - here is the first picture - our new puppy Hannah.  She is an 8 week old 11" beagle.  I chose Hannah for this reason -

Hannah was the childless woman how wasn't just sad, she was desperate for a child.  She lived for years in this desperation. 
8)And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?(H) Am I not more to you than ten sons?"  9) After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. 
She had the strength to continue on.  In her pain and desperation for a child, she kept her faith.  She stood up when our legs feel broken.  She then cried out to the Lord in such an impassioned cry the priest thought she was drunk.  She prayed her heartache, her grief, her torture and gave her desire and burden to God.  And the best part?  He heard her cry and eventually answered her prayer. 

Hannah is my reminder that even when I feel that God isn't listening, He has plan for us and He does hear my cry.

2/18

It was negative.

Tick Tock

THIS IS THE LONGEST WEEK AND A HALF EVER!!!!!

Some Early Good News

I got the call today from FINO on the cryopreservation. They froze
12!! That is fantastic! It means all 14 that were looking perfect at
day 3 made it to the blastocysts stage - and actually a day past to
make it to the preservation stage. And even better news - I'll
probably never have to do the first phase of this again. You know, the
massive pain part of it. So even if t works, when we want more
children we just do thaw and do another transfer.

Such a blessing!

Torture!

I am only on day 2 of a 10 day wait! I am not going to be able to
STAND this for 8 more days!! Any suggestions for ways to take my mind
off this?!

Now the Wait Begins

Today went very well.  I wasn't near as nervous of course, because the transfer procedure is a much simpler procedure.  Everything almost went smoothly - our doctor's car overheated on the way to Metarie.  We were going to wait, but when it was too long, they asked if we would mind another doctor doing the procedure, and we were ok with that.  I'm reposting the picture so I can describe it a little more.  FINO did a day 5 blastocyst transfer for us.  This isn't always recommended, but it is recommended for younger patients with a high number of healthy embryos.  Less may make it to day 5, but they are stronger and healthier when they do.  So clinics can implant 2 blastocysts versus 3-4 day 3 embryos and still have high or higher pregnancy rates while eliminating the risk of triplets or higher.  At day 5, you can tell the health of an embryo because at this point, it is now using it's own genes to create energy for division instead of the parents.  I'm such an engineer, but I found this fascinating.  Here is a link with a lot of blastocyst information.  Our embryos were very high grade - this is seen due to the 2 distinct masses.  You can see the outer edge of cells that become a placenta and the inner mass (surrounded by a fluid cavity) that will become the baby.  If you look close to the one of the left, you can see the white circumference - this is the shell it should hatch out of today before it implants.  There were 4 perfect embryos, and should be more that completely develop.  So we'll have some frozen embryos.  The neatest part of this is that if it works, this is our first baby photos! :)  How often do you get to have a photo of your child 5 days after conception?  Great thing to pull out one day to the future boyfriends/girlfriends!

Two Beautiful Embryos

Day 3 Results - Looking Great!

So far so good!  On our day 3 embryo evaluation, we had the following results:
9 - 8 cell grade 4 embryos
5 - 8 cell grade 3 embryos
3 - 6 cell and 5 cell embryos
Looking results up online, it sounds like FINO's grading is reversed.  The nurse told me that grade 3 and 4 are the embryos that "make the babies".  So we have 14 high quality embryos as of day 3.  We will transfer on day 5 when they are in the blastocyst state.  This helps give an even better assessment of embryo quality - and in the end results in a higher rate of pregnancy.  We are able to do this because had so many high quality embryos.  It also puts the embryo where it should be on day 5, as opposed to a day 3 transfer where the embryo in a natural pregnancy hasn't traveled that far yet!  So tomorrow morning at 8 is our embryo transfer, and things look good so far.  Just continue to pray for good development and for everything to go perfectly tomorrow!  Let's hope tomorrow is finally our day!

Yay!

Good news!! 17/20 fertilized! All may not make it (stop dividing due
to DNA problems) but 17 to start with is fantastic! Hopefully we'll
get plenty of grade A embryos and not ever have to do this first part
again. It's not pleasant at all. Keep praying!

We've Topped the Hill

I am going to have to say the worst is over. I was really nervous about today, but I think it was more the IV was the worry.  I am NOT a fan of needles.  But the IV went ok, I only almost passed out, I didn't completely!  I know that warm tingly pre black out feeling so well now that I know when to lay down!  But once that was done and we were ready to go back, I remember the Anesthesiologist telling me he was putting in the medicine to put me to sleep, then he was waking me up.  Not bad at all!  And the doctor came into my room while I was still groggy, so Randy had to refresh me of this later - but he was expecting 16 mature eggs, and he got 20, and most of them were grade 3, some grade 2.  Grade 3 is the good grade that you want.  So they have plenty of good eggs to work with, which is good!  So the nurse will call us in the morning to let us know how fertilization is going.  Usually around 70% fertilize, so let's just hope we get some great grade A embryos!  Dr. Dunaway also said he expects me to come back for the transfer Tuesday (a 5 day transfer, I would have thought Monday). The bad thing, is if the transfer Tuesday, that's 3 days of bed rest I'll be out of work.  Oh wait, did I say bad thing?... My mistake!

On Our Way

We are on our way to the Egg Aspiration (retrieval). Say a prayer!

Pain, Pain and More Pain

This is not fun at all!  I just want to get my whining out of the way initially - it hurts to walk!  Every step I take I can feel pain in my ovaries they are so large.  I went to the doctor Monday morning, and it was borderline.  I had one or two 18mm (the magic number) and a lot of 16s and 17s.  After getting my blood work, they decided to give me one more night of stimulants and I had to go back Tuesday morning.  It was only 2 more shots, and they weren't that bad.  So I went back for another ultrasound and blood work, and once finished I was sitting in the room waiting on my nurse.  The nurse at the station was looking at my file and said "Good Lord, Ashley!  Are you hurting?"  My reply of course was, "Well yeah! How come?"  She said I had at least 7 on one side and 8 on the other that were already ready (at least 18mm or higher)  And those were just the ready ones, I had QUITE a few more on each ovary.  Once Jackie came in, she said once I trigger (Ovadril) they mature and I'll have more mature, so she is guessing at least 9 eggs per ovary.  Some could be empty or have multiple, but just looking at it, we could get around 20 eggs.  This is good, because not all eggs will fertilize (apparently you are born with 1/3 of your eggs capable of fertilization.)  So Thursday, 2/4 will be our egg aspiration.


So everything is going great!  The two nurses said I am responding fantastic to IVF, which is expected due to age and issues.  Ok, the bad news - the day of the aspiration, I have to start taking an intramuscular injection for progesterone.  It's an oil going into the muscle, so it's  THICK needle.  I about stroked.  I spoke with Dow's Medical department, and they can give it to me during the week.  And I've asked my Sunday School teacher Lenna (a retired nurse!) to at least start us on the weekend and maybe show Randy how.  After seeing the needle though, I love my husband dearly, but I am not sure if I want him coming at me with that thing.  It's huge!  So we'll see what happens.  The funny thing is I have had 2 people say to me after telling them this "Well I bet Randy sure is relieved he might not have to do this!"  My response?  Randy?? If he messes it up it's an oops - but for me it's an OUCH!  I think their sympathy might be sliiighlty misplaced, because I am sure the "this hurts me more than it does you" doesn't apply!

Bad Day!

Ok, after a doctor visit on Friday, I had to take 3 shots, both
Saturday and Sunday. 3 needles, in roughly the same area, horrible
day. I am already miserable from the bloating pain in my abdomen,
that everything else just irritates it more. All 3 shots caused
bleading for the first time, one needle WOULD NOT break skin (had to
change syringes) and the last one IRRITATED the injection site.
Itches, burned, and hurt like everything!! Luckily, I had no bad
reactions to the ganirelex (the lupron replacement). I am just ready
to be finished with this part, I feel completely miserable! And I
know Randy is freaking out with the shots - blood, didn't break skin,
and trying to find a tummy location without bruises. I really hope we
don't have to do this again. And if it works, when the child is a
teenager, I will forcefully remind them of the expensive torture we
endured to have them! :)

First Ultrasound Check Up, Day 7

I went to the doctor today for my first ultrasound on stimulants.  I was nervous but I think it's just because I've come to expect the worst!  I knew the medicine was doing its job, because I can feel it working.  I know exactly where my ovaries are!  It's a weird tugging, tingling, twitching feeling with a lot of pressure.  If I could just unbutton my pants and walk around like that all day, it would be fantastic!  But according to the nurse/ultrasound tech, I am developing really well.  I have 5-8 clear follicles per ovary after 3 days, and one is already 12mm.  The nurse thinks they will go ahead and put me on the LH surge suppressant to keep me from ovulating.  I will know when they call me this afternoon.  The way the office works, is we all do our ultrasounds and blood work in the morning, and once results are in, the doctors all together review the results and agree on guidance each day.  It is really kind of neat, having multiple opinions instead of one.  So so far so good!!

Beagles sure do have it easy!

Tentative Schedule

We started stimulants yesterday.  The Gonal-F comes in pre-filled pens with multiple doses.  You click it to your prescribed dose, and pull the end all the way out.  Well long story short, Randy didn't click it all the way down the first time, so we only had a partial dose.  So he had to stick me again.  We definitely love each other for having to go through all this! 

Here is the tentative schedule thus far.  We are now doing the stimulants and doctor visits where they monitor the follicle development.  And sometime between Monday, 2/1 and Thursday, 2/4 they will do the egg retrieval in Metairie.  Luckily I will be "consciously sedated" because I don't want to remember it.  Then 4 days later normally, Thursday 2/4 through Sunday 2/7, they will but the embryos back in.  I have to be bed rested for at least 2 days afterwards.  The nurse explained it as "once they put those little embryos back, they don't want them going anywhere!"  And I do agree with her logic!  So only allowed to get up for restroom breaks - I am sure Randy is looking forward to that part of it! 

There will be dosage changes, and different injections added at some point, but I won't know all of that until it happens.  It all depends on follicle development and how blood work looks.  But it looks like around February 15th is when we will know if it was successful or not. 

Keep Praying!!!!

We may be in the clear...

We spoke to the nurse and doctor about it all yesterday. Neither of
them had ever seen this reaction, but they of course don't want to
risk it. And I am glad being that I found a blog on a woman who Lupron
actually caused her to have a stroke. We get to continue with this
cycle, and use an alternative medicine (can't spell it yet, I've only
heard it once!) But I will call at the start of this cycle, and start
my stims (Gonal-F) 4 days later. And then a couple of days after that
I start this new suppressant. So let's pray that it was just Lupron
and I am NOT allergic to this new stuff! Without it, I can't do IVF.
It would be horrid to make it this far just to find that out. Being
me, I'd probably tough it out and not tell anyone! (and yes, I'm
waiting on the reprimands from all the moms out there...)

When Things Are Going Well, It Never Fails

Apparently, I am allergic to Lupron, or something in it. The first night, my right leg just felt like it was asleep. Last night, my entire left side of my body went tingly and numb. It was frightening. I could hardly lift my arm. We were driving back from Mississippi, and I was googling side effects. This was one of those call your doctor immediately side effects. We called FINO's emergency line and spoke to the on call doctor. After verifying my breathing was ok, he told us to take a double dose of benadryl and not take the shot tomorrow, and
call my doctor first thing Monday. So will this stop this cycle? I don't know. Is there an alternative? I don't know. Will this be no big deal, or could it prevent us from doing IVF all together? I don't know. Please start praying.

Randy Did Well!

I am not going to lie, we were a little nervous on that first needle! We read the directions and filled the syringe. We then went back and forth over whether or not there was a bubble. Then well, does it matter?? Then after redoing it once and promising not to do it again, we were ready! So we just kind of stared at the needle like "what now?" I believe Randy's response was "glad it's not me!"But we did it! Right in the thigh. And I didn't even feel a thing. Until after, and my leg is now crossed between asleep and itchy. So everyone, give Randy a congrats! I know his first time to stick a needle in his wife had to have been hard - he's a good husband!

Let the Prayers Begin!

Good news folks - the cyst is gone and we start IVF today.  I was actually very surprised because I still felt some slight pain, so I assumed it would still be there.  I was actually setting myself up for waiting another week, just to not get my hopes up!  I have found I much rather prefer expecting the worse, then getting excited when it's good news.  Not being hopeful just to be let down once more.  While I prefer this method, I know Randy doesn't because it causes a lot of unnecessary worry on my end - causing extra consoling on his end!  So Lupron will start this afternoon, and we'll continue those injections for just over a week I believe.  Now I can really start writing and keeping our blog up to date.

Now let's let the injections and prayers begin!...

No Needles Today

Bad news...  We have to postpone it for a week, possibly two.  I have a cyst on my left ovary, so that prevents me from starting the stimulation medication.  Stimulating with a cyst could cause it to rupture and damage your ovary.  They weren't worried, apparently it happens (and apparently has been happening to all their patients today.)  So let's just pray that it goes away enough this week to start next Friday!  I go back Friday to check on it - and it usually doesn't take more than 2 weeks go away. 

So now I just have ANOTHER week to terrify myself once again.  Think happy thoughts...