Infertility survivors guilt. Sounds a little ridiculous doesn't it? I've come to learn it's something every pregnant infertile feels, but never wanted to write about it just in case I jinxed myself. We are now starting week 35 and Garrett will be here before we know it, but I still can't help but feel the guilt.
Infertility is such an isolating experience. No matter how much you love your family and friends, they can't completely relate. If they themselves haven't experience infertility, they haven't experienced the pain. They haven't experienced the torrent of emotions - shock, anger, grief, bitterness, jealousy, hopelessness, heartbreak... shall I go on? I tried so many times to pull myself out the hurt and just go back to the way things were before, but I couldn't. I found my solace with other infertiles - women in person or online who were suffering the same pain and heartbreak I was. They would understand when I complained about an unexpected pregnancy and they wouldn't judge when I purposely excluded myself from holiday celebrations. These women knew what it was like to cry in the bathroom at a baby shower, to lose it in public when you started your period once again... and to have your husband roll over in bed to comfort you after you wake up in the middle of the night crying because your IVF cycle failed. One thing we all shared was a secret hatred for any pregnant woman we ran across - and secretly tried to convince ourselves that our life was so much better than hers. So what happens when we finally join the other team?
One big example of this guilt comes every time I visit my OBGYN. Our physicians tower is set up where there are OB's covering the 4th and 5th floors of a 6th floor building. The infertility specialist is on the 6th floor. I remember visiting him so many times and riding the elevator with giant bellies and hating every one of them. They always got off by the 5th floor and I had to continue onto the 6th. When I started showing I wanted to leave the elevator at the 5th floor and yell back to any woman still going up - but I'm not one of them!! I'm still an infertile!!
And I know other infertiles are happy for me - I was happy when another woman FINALLY got the prize we were all seeking! I was always truly happy for them because it reminded me that maybe there was light at the end of my tunnel also. I still identify as an infertile - after Garrett is born there will never be a surprise little brother or sister. There will be more needles and hormones and invasive procedures as they unfreeze one of our precious babies to transfer. But I still have the guilt that I made it out at least once. Am I crazy? Or is this normal in the infertility world?
