The More You Plan...

In the world we live in, we all want to make plans for our lives.  We want to plan our careers, our children, our future.  But as a prime example, we have learned the hard way that "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".  But it is in that "awry" where God is.  Our plans, as miniscule and self serving as they really are, rarely combine with God's plan for our lives.  And every now and then we experience an awry moment that works out better than any person could plan.  This is one of those moments.
For just at a year now, my mom found out her Cargill plant in Decatur was closing.  This was a double blow because she had only been back around 4 months.  She left a different job willingly because of its high stress environment to return to Cargill.  Then with the economy crash in October 2008, Cargill decided to once again close Decatur, just as she was re-settling into her previous role.  So knowing that she could move with the company was a plus, but her and my dad didn't want to leave Decatur. 
Then a joint venture with a company in Louisiana (LSR) looked like a possibility, and she tried to get that job.  It would have put her right next door to her favorite daughter!  But with lending tight, the deal didn't move soon enough, so she ended up taking a role in Memphis in August/September.  She has been living in Memphis each week, trying to sell her house, and find one in Memphis for a few months.  She should have been in Memphis by the beginning of November.  Anything and everything that could have "gone awry" has.  From appraisals being off, to multiple offers falling through, they had yet to have an offer accepted, and are 2 months behind the original schedule.  On November 19, LSR finally closed and will begin construction immediately.  She was called back and asked if she was still interested.  So long story short, she is house hunting today in Prairieville, LA and is moving here with us! 
With all the effort in trying to keep a good job during this economy, and trying unsuccessfully to move down here, it fell into place when we least expected it.  My parents will now be moving in down here when I will be undergoing IVF.  If successful, we will now have family and grandparents when our baby (or maybe 'ies could be a reason for the extra help!) comes in the fall of next year.  With the hard year it has been for our family, both Randy and I and my parents, 2010 should start out wonderfully.
We planned for a pregnancy a year and half ago, with no success.  We are having to go to the extreme fertility end in order to achieve this with January 2010 as the earliest date.  My mom switched to a hopefully happier job and the plant closed, leaving her jobless in Decatur.  After a year of planning with Cargill, she is now moving to Louisiana January 2010.  When our 2008-2009 planning seemed so far off track, so far awry and heartbroken, we sometimes forgot that Christ is in control.  His plan for us, seemingly to converge our tracks in January 2010, is always so much more than we can imagine that His glory can shine through. 
Faith is hard when life is crushing the breath out of you as your hopes and dreams lay shattered at your feet.  But when His plan for our lives reveals itself, it takes your breath away.

It Has Begun!

I called FINO today, and I start my BC prior Tuesday to treatment! I
am tentatively scheduled to go for our scheduling appointment on Jan
8. That is where we will get our schedules, directions, and laying out
our specific gameplan. So around mid January we start our first, and
hopefully last, IVF cycle!

Wow, Time Flies

For infertility to seem to take so long to reach the goal (a baby of course) it sure can change quickly on the journey! We spoke to our previous doctor (I know! I haven't updated in a while!) about what our options were. We discussed IVF, which we did not want to do. He discussed the process, and how natural selection works within women. He discussed Louisiana laws, where every embryo is treated as a life. And how every viable embryo would be used or frozen. By viable, it has to divide past a certain day. If it doesn't divide past that day, it would not have taken naturally without IVF. (I am trying to remember everything, it's been about 2 months!) One thing I didn't know, that even at my age now, with prime fertility, only 1 in 3 eggs are genetically viable for producing a baby. It is God's way of natural selection, keeping with the 20% of getting pregnant each month. OK, so long story short, my moral concerns were alleviated.

So what changed? I was still lost between decisions, with my heart broken. I wanted a clear cut answer, and we didn't seem to have one. One day, toward the end of September, I had one. And it hit me like a rock, eliminating all other options. I was on facebook one afternoon right before leaving work (not on my work computer! on my phone...) and I had a friend post pictures of her recent birth. Maggie McKelvey (I graduated from High School with her) had given birth mid-September and she put up the normal photos - the before at the hospital, the first photos of the baby, the pictures of her and her husband holding their blessing. And of course, her looking completely worn out from being in labor, but glowing with hapiness at holding their child.  And yes, of course, I lost it. I wanted that. I wanted to go into labor one day with our child. I wanted to look exhausted and glowing at the same time. I wanted to have our child, Randy's child, more than life itself. Seeing their joy as new parents seemed to have caused a realization.  We couldn't adopt, or use a donor. IVF was suddenly my only option. And for some reason, it was so clear at that point. If we were standing in a room full of doors, not knowing which to take, God opened one for us and let the light shine in, while locking the others. It felt wonderful.

So then what? Our current doctor at A Woman's Center for Reproductive Medicine was going to be around 15K for IVF because they didn't take my insurance (their lab didn't, it wasn't recognized by Aetna?). And I am in the top 1% of having inferitility coverage. So we looked into the Feritlity Institute of New Orleans. It is actually 4-5 times the size of the previous, we just had no reason to change at first. Well we visited on October 2nd, and THEY TAKE MY INSURANCE! So, long story short, it is only around 5k for us and we start in January! We wanted to wait until then just to save a little more, but also to use my Flexible Spending Account. So, we are here, we start IVF in January! I'll give more details on chances and all later, I just had to update everyone on our journey!

It's Been a While...

Apparently my last writing post was over a month ago. After the failure of the first IUI, I was so crushed I just couldn't make myself be witty. And if I had written, I might have made every reader want to break their own arm just to make them feel better.



Here is an update - We had our second IUI last Friday (8/21) and will know by September 4th whether or not it is successful. The good news for this cycle, I had 2 full size follicles. The bad news, our count was below 1 million, and they like 10million or more for successful IUI's. At this point, we decided to ask the question that we didn't want to ask. What is next?



As far as what our issues are, the next step would be IVF w/ICSI. I am responding well to the clomid, so they won't want to up me to injectables. And we will not do IVF. We don't even want to risk the possibility of producing more embryos than necessary that would be discarded or used for research. And with the cost at 20,000 roughly with the chance of success around 40-50 percent, we don't want to risk that kind of money. We would rather spend a little more and do adoption and be guaranteed a child!



So, unfortunately, we are already here. If this IUI does not work, we have one more shot at having our own. If that doesn't work we'll have to move on to a few other options. Two of which are embryo adoption and outright adoption. I don't know a lot about embryo adoption, but it sounds promising. It is a lot more affordable that IVF, but more expensive that IUIs. But you adopt an embryo from another IVF cycle and actually give birth to your own adopted child. It's a very neat concept.



I hate being at this point though. I hate being so close to the end of having our own child. I hate being only 2 months away from knowing they'll never have his eyes and my mouth. I know it's just another step in this grieving process, but we keep grieving more and more new losses, our limit has to be close.

Testing Video, 1-2-3...

Oh well

July 12, Cycle Day 1

Nervousness Begins

Randy and I went to the doctor this morning to see if we were ready. I did an ultrasound and I think there where 2 follicles, 9.1 and 17 mm. (he didn't confirm the 9, but he measured and said they like above 6 so I was assuming it was one.) I then got my shot to induce ovulation and was scheduled for 8:30 on Monday morning. Also, he checked my estrogen level and it was 216, and they liked 150 and above. It all sounded good I guess, but not oustanding. I honestly was hoping for at least 3 follicles in order to maximize chances. But we'll see.

After Monday, all we can do is wait. I am trying not to be pessimistic, but I am feeling down about it all. The odds are against us I know, and I just feel so lost sometimes. Maybe I am just not wanting to get any hopes up. God is in control, but that fact really hasn't made this process any easier...

Feritility Acronyms and Better Definitions

Ok - I need some fun. Two days after my HSG, I still feel like someone has punched me in the ovaries. So it's time to try and make this process a little more entertaining. Here are some of the
commonly used acronyms on any fertility blog or forum - and I want to follow with more fun terms just to make it more interesting... :)

2WW - 2 Week Wait - 2 Women Wiggin.... that's right, I said wiggin... wiggen out! And why 2? Because me and at least one other friend will be freaking out during this 2 weeks, waiting to take a test. I can't flip out on my own! Enter Breanna...

BFN - Big Fat Negative - Better Find Napkins, because the next week will most likely be spent in bed in tears wiping my nose on anything disposable... watch out Flip.

BFP - Big Fat Positive - Broke for Parenthood! This is the bumper sticker I will put on my car if we ever get pregnant. Most people go broke after they become parents, but some of the lucky few get start beforehand!

AWOL - A Woman on Lupron - I'm gonna have to use the military term - Absent Without (Official) Leave. This is the point where horomone pills have reached a maximum and the husband will dissapear for hours and not answer his phone! Apparently women with extra hormones can make for some extra mood swings...

More to come! These are just a few of my favorite ones :)

Some good news!

This morning I had my HSG to see if everything is ok with me. And good
news, it is all clear! It almost looked like te right was slightly
blocked, but the dye managed to push through the right tube. The
doctor said that if was slightly blocked, it could have helped flush
the system out. And of course, I think Breanna enjoyed watching the
screen. She has now used the phrase, I can totally see your fallopian
tubes... :). What else are friends for? So now I just have to wait
until Saturday!!

Beach balls and Strawberries...

Ok girls, (guys turn away) have you ever wondered what was worse than PMS? The bloating, fatigue, back pain - and of course the mood swings that other people claim I have. Personally, I think it is completely normal to cry if you drop a strawberry. Well now, that I have been Clomid - I get to experience this 2 times a month. Clomid works by blocking some receptors in my brain that detect estrogen. Therefore, my body produces more estrogen and ohter horomones. I have been a hot flashing beach ball with lower back pain all weekend. (luckily I managed to hold on to all strawberries.) So let's pray and hope that I won't have to move up a level to stronger medication, because I'd rather not be forced to sleep on the couch each night because Randy might lock me out of the bedroom. :) Ah, the romance of fertility treatments...

First IUI Attempt Begins...

Well, cycle day one was Monday, 6/15! You know, growing up, the thought that I would track a cycle so ferociously that I make my "Cycle day" number bigger than the actual date on the calendar - never occured to me. So not fun. However, the analytical side of me is rejoicing at my paper clipped, stapled and organized Fertility file... sigh

Ok, back to the update. I had my first appointment today with the RE (Reproductive Endocronologist) and I had an ultrasound to check to see if my ovaries were forming correctly. Well all I saw of course were 2 black spots, but apparently that was a good thing! They were my maturing eggs. So after this, the nurse gave me a schedule and lots of prescriptions. I am doing my HSG next Tuesday to make sure my inner workings all look ok. And I'll start Clomid this Thursday, followed by antibiotics, followed by another ultrasound and a "trigger shot" Saturday, 6/27. We will actually have the IUI Monday morning, 6/29. Then, from all I have read online, is the horrible 2WW. What does this mean? (Online fertility blogs have about a thousand acronyms, and one day I'll write out what they are and make up funnier names for them just for the fun of it) It is the 2 week wait... either for no period and a positive pregnancy test, or greiving and starting all over.

I keep hoping we'll be lucky, and it will work on our first try. Odds are of course against my wishful guessing, but God has done so many other things for us we never know. If I'm really gonna go out on a limb on my wishful guessing, we'd have twins on our first shot and kill those 2 birds with this expensive stone! We just have to keep praying, and not get discouraged when it is so easy to. We have to remember that we have people who love us, and that placing myself in a shell so that I can lock the world out is not the right thing to do... well, I have to remember, not Randy.

I try and remember 2 Corinthians 12:9 - 'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'

We all want people to think we have it all together, that we are strong. But no one does. God created us for fellowship - to love each other with His love, to help each other strengthen our own walks.

Our New Journey...

Ok, where do I start... Randy and I have been trying for a year to get pregnant with no success. I went to visit my OBGYN to do preliminary tests, just to rule out any issues. We had some tests come back that were bad enough to refer us directly to Dr. Webster, a Reproductive Endocronologist. WHAT?! How did WE get here? Of all the people I know, no one seems to want to be a mom as badly as I do. This past year of trying with no success has been so hard, but I always assumed it was something simple. No one ever thinks they'll be sitting in that conference room, waiting on a specialist to come in and speak with you. It's not a feeling I wish on anyone. My last blog was about our new battle, and this seems to be it. The likelihood of getting pregnant on our own is less than 1%, so the dream of taking that test and getting a positive sign has gone away. Our new trial is here - finding out where to go next and what God wants in our life.

Right now, here is our next step in the journey. The good news, is he is slightly optimisitic. We aren't completely out of hope, and he thinks an IUI should be successful. I have to have an HSG, in order to deteremine that everything is alright on my end. Following a good outcome of this test, they will do an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination.) It will involve Chlomide and a series of shots and a "concentrating" of Randy's, well, product followed by a pretty exact timing of insemination directly into the cervix. Just kinda takes the romance of out of it, doesn't it? It is only a 20-30% chance, but the doctor is hopeful, and it's WAY cheaper than IVF. Also, it's a natural fertilization, so Randy and I are ok with that. (We still have major reservations regarding IVF and Christianity.)

So, good news - If we do this next cycle and it's a success, we could be pregnant by the end of June.

Bad news - A minimum costs of about 1500, so it's not going to be cheap. And the success rate is not as high as IVF.

Pray for us. Pray that Christ will give us peace during this trying time. Pray that we can seek His guidance, and know to follow it where He wants us to go. We know more than most people that He has our plan already, we just have to seek it... and of course fight discouragement when it isn't what we think it should be.

Spoke too soon?

It's amazing at how quickly life can change. Not a few days after our last blog - on overcoming enormous mountains through Christ - we've actually hit a larger mountain. Ironic, isn't it? Less than a week after our graduation celebration, we seem to have been plunged into a much deeper, much more painful hole. I don't want to give any details yet until more confirmation, I just want those who see this to pray for us. We will be needing it in the near future. I just want to post a song helps give us strength when we so desperately need it.

I was sure by now,God,
that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone

how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth

God Bless...

Moving Mountains

CONGRATULATIONS RANDY!! He graduated Friday night from LSU and is now a Forester. This event in so many ways proves that God has a plan even when we can't see it. Well, correction, even when we can't IMAGINE it. Here is our story:

March 2006: Randy's unit was activated, and he was to go Germany in May. I was in my junior year at Mississippi State, planning to graduate May of 2007. We had been friends for so long, but only officially dating since January. We were thrust into one of those "make or break" you situations. We were young, and of course, a little afraid. I had 2 previous long distance relationships that left that oh so sour taste in my mouth. We, or me, decided it was best to go back to friends. As hard as it was, we seemed no other way. I would finish my last year while he was activated, and he would finish his tour with 2 more years of school. I didn't know where I would work - what his Air Force future was - all we could see was dark at the end of the tunnel. So we chose the easy option - heartache with healing.

So here came May, he leaves for Germany. All of a sudden, we realized we had no choice. We were supposed to be together, there was no other way. When logic didn't explain any of this (and trust me, this wasn't easy for an Engineer) we finally realized to trust God. We were going to be married, and it was going to work itself out. It was so certain and so clear. We started looking for engagement rings.

As we plan the wedding, I am job hunting around Starkville. This way, he could finish school at MSU while I was working. So many let downs with no success. I get a great offer from Dow Chemical in Baton Rouge, and we decide to take it. We then proceeded to try and get him into LSU for a transfer, so he could finish school in the Bayou with me. He was denied the first time around. We appealed with a written essay and recommendations from a base Major as to why he should be accepted. Denied again, our 3rd heartache. We finally accepted that he was going back to Mississippi State. God brought us that far, he would take us through this. Even though we tried to get located together, it never worked. We didn't turn to God when we should have. When we accepted this was what God had planned, there came that peace again! We found him somewhere to live, we even told his Boy Scout troup he was coming back. It was ok, because God was in control, and if we had to spend the first 2 years of our marriage in different states God had a reason. Curve ball 3 ---->

The day of our Wedding rehearsal, driving to pick up a bridesmaid at the airport, Randy receives a call. It was LSU, just wanting to let him know that he was accepted and would be receiving his welcome package soon. That was it! The appeal was sent to the Dean of the school, and he was let in. What a fantastic wedding present! We spent most of the next few days in shock. After accepting God's will, God opened our path. After spending a year and a half looking down a black tunnel, God poured His light into our lives so quickly it took our breath away. And He was not done - after moving to Baton Rouge and beginning work, Randy was preparing to start school. We were saving and taking out loans to pay our out of state tuition, having not set up residency for at least a year. They requested my work verification, and the next day, his out of state tuition was dropped! Without so much as a notification!

So now here we are, 3 years after the journey began. May of 2006, we were separating, heartbroken at his activation. Now he has gradauated from LSU and applying for an Air Force Commision. We've been married for 2 years and have been together the entire time! When life has seemed so hard and dark, with mountains blocking our path - God has revealed to us that He has a beautiful plan. When we are blindfolded and can't even SEE the mountain to move it - Christ sees for us, and opens our path according to His will

Tithing and Christians in need...

Ok, interesting perspective raised today in Sunday School. God calls on us to tithe our first 10%, then we follow with offerings afterward.

Malachi 3:10 - Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if i will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."

We were discussing why almost 20% of Christians do not tithe at all. A woman in class, who is not in our normal class said this - (completely paraphrasing also!) Her class knows how she feels, this has been discussed previously, but if she has a family member or a friend that is in need, and they are a brother or sister in Christ, she will give to them and put that in front of her tithe. This question has arisen in my mind before. If we give 10% to Christians in need, people in the will of God, should this come before tithing? Our 10% is an offering, to give to the church was God has given us. Should we tell our family and friends in need no, if we cannot do both?

This perspective has never been brought to my attention before, so any discussion is welcome!

God Bless...

Couch to 5K

Ok!! We have decided to try something I always wanted to do, but never had the, well, lets be honest - who in their right mind runs for fun? It's something I have never understood! Going, going, going... no balls to score, no direction changes, just a start and end point - just to run! Well, I am becoming "one of them" now. Me, along with two colleagues (Karen Williams and Sheryl Alleman) are determined to run in a 5k late summer/early fall. So there is this neat beginners running plan, called Couch to 5K. You can find info on it here. It is a 9 week program that cycles between running and walking to build beginning runners up to a 5k. And lets face it - want to loose weight? RUN! Everyone who melts the pounds, pounds the ground... (cheesy, yes I know) So we began about 2 weeks ago, and I have already seen wonderful progress... until... shin splints. So, for now I am totally endorsing this wonderful plan, as I sit here with a computer in my lap and ice packs on my legs... DETERMINED!! I'll have to keep you up to date, it'll be interesting and make for wonderful post and pictures and I continue my self torture - I guess I'll be my own "man caused disaster causer...)

Tickfaw State Park Camping

A group of us went camping on Friday night, 2/27/09 at Tickfaw State park. We had a blast. We arent' necessarily all "experienced campers" but we did have a couple of Eagle Scouts amongst us to help out! We arrived later on Friday and set tents up at night... very interesting in and of itself. We had a group from our Sunday School class get together. Most of us are not from around here, so it was a wonderful time to be able to make friends here in the Bayou. The Bayou is definitely a little odd at times! While we only stayed one night, we made the best of it. We stayed up late by the campfire, telling stories and getting to know one another. The really interesting part came once we decided to go to bed. You see, the campsite thinks ahead and has sand pits to place tents on. Good idea, right? Wonderful idea if it hasn't rained for days and you remember to toss the sand before placing the tent! But if neither of the above apply to you, it is like sleeping on concrete. And me being a city girl compared to my husband, I decided I'd try and rough it and not bring our air mattress like I had originally wanted. Needless to say, at about 3 am of not sleeping on our solidified sand, I stole the giant pillow dog bed from kicks to sleep on it. You know it's rough when.... poor kicks, he had to sleep on the ground... like a dog...

Following this incident, I awoke about 4 am from my dog bed with nature calling! Well leaving tent in the middle of the night to "do nature's bidding" isn't nearly as quiet as in a bedroom. I managed to unzip the tent and leave without waking the dogs and then crunched my way through the blind darkness into the woods. Unknown to me, our fellow camper Cory, also had the same calling. Being as he was not listed in the ranks among our eagle scouts, he was slightly freaked when he heard all the crunching I was doing. So as I teetered behind a tree, I also had to manage dodging a flashlight as Cory spotlighted me a few times to make sure I wasn't going to eat him. Very funny story the following morning when hee realized I wasn't a bear and I realized he wasn't a crazy man.