Garrett Has Arrived! Part I

Wow, just wow.  That is really all I can say about the past half week.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions - shock, joy, excitement, anguish, terror - everything!  I wanted to share the full story of what happened instead of bits and pieces to people when I speak to them.  So here goes!

I had a routine doctor's appointment scheduled for Wednesday, February 9.  I had already begun my weekly OB appointments, and this one included an ultrasound.  At the last maternal fetal specialist appointment, we were concerned over weight and location, so this ultrasound was just to make sure he wasn't too small and to check his location (breech or not.)  Randy had to go to Port Barre for work, but he was going to attend the last ultrasound with me just to get to see it one last time before Garrett was born.  We went back at about 10:45 and began the ultrasound.  As soon as she put the wand on the top of my belly near my ribs, there his head still was!  He was still breech with his head in my left ribs.  We hoped he had switched, but apparently he was content where he was.  My first thought was 'well, looks like we'll be scheduling a c-section today.'  I knew when I went to Dr. Lee we would go ahead and schedule the section for the 39th week because he was very unlikely to turn at this point.  Her next evaluation was his size - around 6 lbs so that was great!  Even better when she began her next evaluation.  She began to measure the pockets of fluid and started making worried sounds.  Those hmm, let me check this kind of sounds.  She then asked if I had been leaking amniotic fluid.  I had no idea if I had, or even if I could have known.  At this point I am just trying to not wet myself every time I sneeze!  She said that my amniotic fluid was below a 5 so most likely I was having a baby today. I might have blacked out for a small minute, can't remember because at this point time seemed to speed up.  She left to call the doctor and about all I could get out to Randy was "Well, I'm glad you came with me today!" and "I'm not ready to be cut open!"  I thought we would be scheduling a c-section today with Dr. Lee, not scheduling the c-section FOR today!  She called Dr. Lee and then sent us up to see her right then - did not even finish the rest of the ultrasound.  My legs were a little wobbly as I headed to the elevator.


We went into the waiting room area for Dr. Lee after giving the nurse our paperwork.  Normally my waits have been less than 5 minutes before a nurse has me, then less than another 5 minutes before seeing Dr. Lee.  Today was the OPPOSITE.  It was about 15 minutes before getting called back and another 10 before seeing Dr. Lee.  This entire time I am about to lose it because I'd had not prepared at all for this!  I was only 36 weeks 4 days and didn't even have my suitcase finished packing!  His clothes were in a hamper waiting to be washed, my video camera was at home!  These thoughts kept running through my head as this sweet old lady decided she wanted to talk and talk and talk to me.  Maybe I had that deer in the headlights look and she was trying to talk me back from the ledge.  :)  When Dr. Lee came into the room, the first words out of her mouth were "It looks like we get to meet that baby boy today!"  Insert heart rate acceleration here.  My fluid had dropped below a 5 (it was 3.8) so it was at dangerous levels so it was a must deliver now situation.  After thinking back on it now, God must have decided I really was a weenie and couldn't handle pain, so he gave me the quickest most worry free way of delivering - an immediate unplanned c-section.  It was around 11:30 and the doctor was scheduling my c-section for 1:30.  Let the panic begin...

Infertility Survivors Guilt

Infertility survivors guilt.  Sounds a little ridiculous doesn't it?  I've come to learn it's something every pregnant infertile feels, but never wanted to write about it just in case I jinxed myself.  We are now starting week 35 and Garrett will be here before we know it, but I still can't help but feel the guilt.


Infertility is such an isolating experience.  No matter how much you love your family and friends, they can't completely relate.  If they themselves haven't experience infertility, they haven't experienced the pain. They haven't experienced the torrent of emotions - shock, anger, grief, bitterness, jealousy, hopelessness, heartbreak... shall I go on?  I tried so many times to pull myself out the hurt and just go back to the way things were before, but I couldn't.  I found my solace with other infertiles - women in person or online who were suffering the same pain and heartbreak I was.  They would understand when I complained about an unexpected pregnancy and they wouldn't judge when I purposely excluded myself from holiday celebrations.  These women knew what it was like to cry in the bathroom at a baby shower, to lose it in public when you started your period once again... and to have your husband roll over in bed to comfort you after you wake up in the middle of the night crying because your IVF cycle failed.  One thing we all shared was a secret hatred for any pregnant woman we ran across - and secretly tried to convince ourselves that our life was so much better than hers.  So what happens when we finally join the other team?


One big example of this guilt comes every time I visit my OBGYN.  Our physicians tower is set up where there are OB's covering the 4th and 5th floors of a 6th floor building.  The infertility specialist is on the 6th floor.  I remember visiting him so many times and riding the elevator with giant bellies and hating every one of them.  They always got off by the 5th floor and I had to continue onto the 6th.  When I started showing I wanted to leave the elevator at the 5th floor and yell back to any woman still going up - but I'm not one of them!!  I'm still an infertile!! 


And I know other infertiles are happy for me - I was happy when another woman FINALLY got the prize we were all seeking!  I was always truly happy for them because it reminded me that maybe there was light at the end of my tunnel also.  I still identify as an infertile - after Garrett is born there will never be a surprise little brother or sister.  There will be more needles and hormones and invasive procedures as they unfreeze one of our precious babies to transfer.  But I still have the guilt that I made it out at least once.  Am I crazy? Or is this normal in the infertility world?

Around the Country Baby Shower - Lake Jackson, TX

Happy early Thanksgiving everyone!  We are at home, cleaning and getting ready for holiday travel tomorrow to Mississippi. We are going to Natchez and Fayette to visit Randy's family for lunch/dinner.  Then we will head back to Baton Rouge and spend the long weekend just us - laying wood, tiling the mantel, and of course watching football!!


We also have a new entry for our baby shower - from Lake Jackson, TX.  The gift is from Lauren and Thomas Welch!  They gave baby Graves (Preston, maybe? We are still thinking!) some great baby books.  The Very Hungry Caterpillar has always been one of my favorites, and one I love to give to others expecting babies.  They also gave us 2 Dr. Seuss books, There's a Wocket in my Pocket and just in time for Christmas - How the Grinch Stole Christmas!  Thank you guys both so much!!

Around the Country Baby Shower

     I have awesome friends!  But one bad thing about it is they are all pretty much in every state in the Southeast.  They decided to get together and have an "across the country" baby shower.  During a selected week or so, someone is mailing me a gift and will either mail or email me a photo of themselves.  The photo will be of them giving me the gift.  I in turn will open the gift and take a photo of my opening the gift like you would do if you were actually at a baby shower.  This was so original!  And of course, when I heard about it I cried, lovely pregnancy hormones!  So I got our first gift this week!...

     This is the gift we received from Darcy and Daren Keel!  It is a super cute diaper bag and a pacifier pod.  The pacifier pod is something I can hook on to my purse so I always have a separate clean place for the pacifiers.  The things you have to think about with a baby, huh?  I guess that's why they say life changes drastically!!  I will admit to something though - we received it yesterday but I had no plans so it was a no make-up air dry my hair kind of day.  So I waited until church this morning to take the photo - had to look at least a little better!!  Thank you guys so much, I love it!
 

I've Been a Slacker!

Ok guys, sorry for not updating!  After losing the twin, I think I just wanted to wait until it was more concrete and out of the first trimester.  Well a lot has happened!  We are now 21 weeks along, and found out October 19th that it's a boy!  I will admit, I was a little disappointed (I really wanted the girl!)  But I am excited now and we are thinking of names!  The bump has really grown, there is no hiding it now.  People who see me ask when I'm due without knowing ahead of time I am pregnant.  It's exciting that the world can now see what is making us so happy.  The old ladies touching the belly is slightly weird though, I'll admit I am not used to that.  I like my personal space, so strangers touching your belly out of the blue takes me by surprise!

We started getting to work on the nursery once we found out what we were having.  In one weekend, I bought the crib / changing table, registered at Babies R Us, picked out and bought the bedding, and started laying the hardwood floors.  Picking out the bedding was a hard choice, because little boy stuff just isn't as cute as little girl stuff!  But we chose a red white and blue little aviator theme - patriotic airplanes, so fits his daddy!  And we'll paint clouds on our sky blue walls and Randy will even make a few model airplanes to hang.  It's getting so exciting.  Our next doctor's appointment is November 16th for the 24 week appointment.  
 
As far as how I am feeling, I am about 120% better!  The morning sickness is gone, I'm not very tired, and I just feel normal.  The only thing plaguing me is heartburn, and it's torture!  I have discovered I can take Zantac, but I think my body is finding a way to get around that.  I had some heartburn before getting pregnant, so I'm getting used to it.  We also get another ultrasound at the 24 week appointment so they can see some extra detail.  Here is a photo of him at 20 weeks - it's a back view and you can see his spine in detail, very neat!

9 Weeks

We have hit 9 weeks!  I want to try and write a blog each Friday, but I'm late usually!  I went to the doctor this last Friday, but Randy was out of town so my mom brought me.  They wouldn't let me go alone since I am still not supposed to be driving.  And they are strictly watching what all I do!  During the ultrasound, we got a perfect view of the baby.  As you can see, you can clearly see the baby from a side view, and even the umbilical chord!  I even saw the heartbeat finally.  And the most amazing thing, during the ultrasound the baby started to kick and wiggle.  It was incredible.  Randy hated to miss it. The blood clot is still there.  You can see it in the bottom right of the photo.  The doctor wanted me to keep taking it easy, but to have limited activity.  He was weary about me returning to work as far as I drive, so we decided that this little life is way more important than risking it.  I go back this Friday, so we are praying that we'll reach that point where the baby is that much bigger than the clot.  The doctor doesn't seemed worried, so that helps ease our nerves! On to the baby...

The baby is now an inch long!  It's amazing at how soon it goes from microscopic to now.  It is about the size of a grape.  All the essential body parts are there, even if tiny.  His teeth are starting to form, and the heart now has four chambers.  The eyes are formed, but the eyelids remain shut until about 27 weeks.  The sex organs are forming, but won't be distinguishable for a while!  The best part is the placenta is just about fully developed (between 9 and 10 weeks) and should take over hormone production soon.  Thank heavens!

If anyone is wondering why I use "he" - I just have a feeling!  I just know it's going to be a little boy :)  We'll find out in about 11 weeks!  Also, the doctor took me off estrogen patches and I had nausea relief for about 2 days.  I didn't get sick at all, it was fantastic.  And yesterday, my body caught back up to the missing estrogen.  So still nauseous - had my hopes up too soon!  I'll give another update this coming Friday.

Everyone keep praying!

Long Overdue!

The head is to the right of the arm/leg buds

Ok, so I have been REALLY bad at writing.  So much has happened since that positive, I just haven't had time.  Things have been a roller coaster since then.  First we found out it was twins at 5w4d.  We were super excited, but super scared.  Then at 6w6d I developed a massive blood clot and lost one of the babies.  It was a horrifying and painful experience.  The silver lining was the other baby was ok, but I had to stay bed rested until the clot cleared itself up.  So, I am now 8w3d and still on bed rest until this Friday when I'll be 9 weeks.  So now that our roller coaster has been told, time for the good stuff...


I am SOOO nauseous!  It started at 5w5d and hasn't let up since then.  I was hoping I'd inherit the gracious good luck of my mother and not be nauseous at all during pregnancy.  Instead, I think God let it skip a generation, and let her lack of nausea make up itself in me.  The doctor gave me a Rx for Zofran, which is fantastic.  It stopped the wake up in the morning till you go to bed sickness, but I'll still get sick at some point during the day.  I actually lost some weight the first couple of weeks due to not being able to eat much.  And I'm still limited on what I can eat, because certain smells trigger that run to the toilet feeling.  Randy and I even switched sides of the bed so I can be closer to the bathroom!  Good thing to, because I think my minimum bathroom runs at night is around 3-4 - so lack of sleep is also included!


I have a few more unsavory side effects that I won't describe!  But you can look up early preggo symptoms and get the gist!  So far, things are going well.  The baby is starting to look more baby like and less sea monsterish. He is about 3/4 of an inch long. The eyelids are forming, the nose is starting to form, and the ears are developing inside and out.  The heart has divided into chambers.  Elbows and knees have started to form and the arms and legs are growing longer!!  The fingers and toes are webbed, but beginning to take shape.  By week 10, we'll leave the embryonic phase and hit the fetus phase.  In the picture you can see the head is to the right, with the arm/leg buds to the left on the bottom.  It's amazing.  We are so excited!

It's POSITIVE

We had our beta yesterday and it was positive!!  A 128!  And as you can see from the picture the day before, I've been excited!  And pretty much too excited and busy to write this very important entry.  Randy and I are so happy, we have never reached this point.  We want the prayers to continue so we can make it past the first trimester.  

Our next step is another beta on Tuesday, 6/29.  They want the number to double every 2 days, or every 48-72 hours is ok.  They will do a couple of betas and then schedule an ultrasound around 7 weeks.  I am currently 4 weeks pregnant.  So lets pray that everything continues to go well!  

I would like to start writing about each week, where the baby is and what is happening with me, but I am afraid to jinx it!  I will say that the morning sickness has started!  The first 2 times it was when I was hungry and didn't eat quick enough.  But last night I was reading a wave of nausea hit me, I had to put the book down and lay down.  The fun has began!  I've never been so excited to get sick in my life!  

One more non-jinxing moment hopefully - the due date will be around March 3, 2011.  :)

Wow, Time Flies

For infertility to seem to take so long to reach the goal (a baby of course) it sure can change quickly on the journey! We spoke to our previous doctor (I know! I haven't updated in a while!) about what our options were. We discussed IVF, which we did not want to do. He discussed the process, and how natural selection works within women. He discussed Louisiana laws, where every embryo is treated as a life. And how every viable embryo would be used or frozen. By viable, it has to divide past a certain day. If it doesn't divide past that day, it would not have taken naturally without IVF. (I am trying to remember everything, it's been about 2 months!) One thing I didn't know, that even at my age now, with prime fertility, only 1 in 3 eggs are genetically viable for producing a baby. It is God's way of natural selection, keeping with the 20% of getting pregnant each month. OK, so long story short, my moral concerns were alleviated.

So what changed? I was still lost between decisions, with my heart broken. I wanted a clear cut answer, and we didn't seem to have one. One day, toward the end of September, I had one. And it hit me like a rock, eliminating all other options. I was on facebook one afternoon right before leaving work (not on my work computer! on my phone...) and I had a friend post pictures of her recent birth. Maggie McKelvey (I graduated from High School with her) had given birth mid-September and she put up the normal photos - the before at the hospital, the first photos of the baby, the pictures of her and her husband holding their blessing. And of course, her looking completely worn out from being in labor, but glowing with hapiness at holding their child.  And yes, of course, I lost it. I wanted that. I wanted to go into labor one day with our child. I wanted to look exhausted and glowing at the same time. I wanted to have our child, Randy's child, more than life itself. Seeing their joy as new parents seemed to have caused a realization.  We couldn't adopt, or use a donor. IVF was suddenly my only option. And for some reason, it was so clear at that point. If we were standing in a room full of doors, not knowing which to take, God opened one for us and let the light shine in, while locking the others. It felt wonderful.

So then what? Our current doctor at A Woman's Center for Reproductive Medicine was going to be around 15K for IVF because they didn't take my insurance (their lab didn't, it wasn't recognized by Aetna?). And I am in the top 1% of having inferitility coverage. So we looked into the Feritlity Institute of New Orleans. It is actually 4-5 times the size of the previous, we just had no reason to change at first. Well we visited on October 2nd, and THEY TAKE MY INSURANCE! So, long story short, it is only around 5k for us and we start in January! We wanted to wait until then just to save a little more, but also to use my Flexible Spending Account. So, we are here, we start IVF in January! I'll give more details on chances and all later, I just had to update everyone on our journey!