I love my puppy!

Why We Share

"Why or why not do you choose to share your infertility struggles with others?"

I've been meaning to write about this topic for a while.  It seems to be an insignificant aside to infertility as a whole, but when one phone call can make your life hit a brick wall, it is a huge decision.  Infertility is a very emotional, invasive, and private matter.  Lots of people choose to deal with it alone as a couple, deal with it with a close group of people, or like me, share it with anyone interested.  I thought I would share my reasons for writing this blog in order to help any others who may one day be where we are.

1.  Prayer.  Pure and simple.  We believe in the power of prayer, and we have seen it work in our live and others.  We have seen God do what we thought was impossible.  Our entire relationship has been God driven - from Randy's activation, to my getting a job in Baton Rouge and Randy transferring to LSU.  I've written a previous post when Randy graduated that highlighted all those blessings (May 2009, Moving Mountains.)  The more people who are praying for us, the better.

2.  Understanding.  I am normally a very open person with anything that is going on, so I don't hide emotions well.  When I am upset, everyone and their mother can tell.  I knew this journey would be no different, actually much worse.  I have isolated myself from friends at times because it was the only way to keep myself together at the seams.  If my friends didn't know, they would not have understood and could have taken as a slight.  By telling them, they were able to help me when I needed it, and grant me understanding when I needed that.  By knowing, people understand when I avoid baby showers or events that will only intensify my pain.

3.  Prevention.  The worst feeling in the beginning was when people didn't know.  We had been trying for a year before we knew anything was wrong, and comments like "When are you going to have kids?" "You're not getting any younger" "God made marriage for children, so you shouldn't wait" hurt then.  And yes, that last one was a sermon from our pastor one day.  I was ready to storm the stage, but his 6'4" football player frame still scared me away.  People didn't know we were trying, so when I started to worry if something was wrong, those comments hurt.  They are more torturous now, but much less in number.  By sharing with most people I know, they avoid small talk comments that to most sound innocent, but to someone in our situation will rip your heart out. 

4. Witnessing.  I started the blog to keep family and friends up to date.  Also it was a way for me to vent feelings and chronicle the journey.  I have heard from a few people that are starting the same journey that it has been helpful and great for them to read.  And even just an encouragement for others.  I never intended, or even thought of it that way, but it is encouraging to know it has been helpful.  I can be a witness/support to others experiencing the pain and heartbreak that can only be understood by a mom without a child. 

I am not saying that this is the way to go for everyone.  I've always been an open book, so it was natural for me.  I wanted to give my reasons for sharing my journey for anyone that has ever wondered why… or may even be struggling with this question themselves.

Bitterness of Soul

"In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:10

"As month after month, then year after year, passed without the blessing of a living child in our home, my soul learned the foul taste of bitterness.  My angry, festering heart ached constantly.  That Hannah "wept much" seems to be a terribly inadequate description for the torrent of tears that accompanied me through years of longing and loss." - Jennifer Saake, Hannah's Hope

     Unfortunately bitterness is an emotion that always parallels infertility trials.  Months and years of trying to conceive accompanied by the emotional roller coaster of hopes rising only to be crushed.  Procedures get more expensive, more invasive, more painful.  For others, adoption failures also gather in emotional and financial expense.  Yet all around us, there are reminders of what we don't have.  Families and motherhood are such a normal, inescapable part of life, you don't realize the constant burn of these daily reminders until you've dealt with infertility. The worst is that I long to be normal.  To celebrate pregnancies and births with people I care about.  But their joy only deepens my pain. It then further causes me to distance myself from those that I need the most.

     Then you can add the normal events of life to the feeling of "why me?"  I fight the daily bitter anger toward people I feel don't deserve the blessing of motherhood.  The relative who is unmarried and a drug addict.  The teenager that doesn't want an inconvienince, so she aborts her child.  These seemingly unfair situations cause pain so deep I've cried out resentfully to God in my anger.

     How do I deal with this bitterness?  I need to turn it over to God.  And I am trying, but it is a daily struggle.  I've been thinking of the blessings I've been given, and trying to see lives from others' shoes.  The women who don't have the love of someone like Randy, that don't know Christ - maybe God is using children to bring them to Him.  Maybe the child will be the blessing that turns their lives around.  We all have these feelings of anger sometimes.  I just feel I need help in trying to overcome it.  I need the help of you - my friends and family who care about me and are reading this blog.  I don't want this pain to rule my life.  I don't think it will heal completely anytime soon, but with God's help - and the help of you - I want to learn to manage it.  I think this pain will always be part of me, but it's not going to define me.