Follow Up Appointment

        I went in for our follow up appointment today.  I managed to not cry at all, so I think it was a huge success!  When Dr. Dunaway first walked in, he was shaking his head saying he had no reason, no excuse.  Everything went beyond textbook.  He even told me that of the entire IVF group in that cycle, he expected me to be the one pregnant with twins, and I ended up being the only one not pregnant.  I know he didn't mean it bad, it was just true, but it was just another blow to my ego.  More like, what in the world is wrong with me then?  Even with perfect appearing embryos, they can still be genetically unviable.  So they probably just picked the 2 that weren't right.  The other doctors and even the embryologist had no idea what happened.  Even having 12 grade 4 embryos to freeze is way above average and not normal at all.  So we have no idea.  We just hope there isn't something else wrong with me that hasn't been found yet. 

        So maybe May, more likely June, we'll try again.  More shots, but not near as many.  And the costs will be significantly less.  So hopefully the spring will go well, and we will be optimistic and ready to go again in June.  He even told us to be just as optimistic for the frozen transfer as the fresh, because we will get pregnant.  I'm not going to lie, optimism during that 2 week wait is just about impossible.  You have nothing to think about but "did it work?"  I keep telling myself it's in God's hands and there are reasons for everything - but you reach the point where it is only hollow words.  I am trying to keep my faith, but it's shattered at the moment.  And it's still raining so hard I can no longer hear Him through this storm. 

Smile for the Day!

The Next Step

The past few days have been hard.  It has been a time for Randy and I to look at everything and evaluate.  We have decided to take a break for a while.  We tried a year on our own with no success.  This was followed by 10 months of expensive and invasive tests, procedures, and in the end - failures.  We do have 12 frozen embryos, but my emotional bank account is empty.  It is actually in the red.  I need to go back to normal.  We need to go back to normal and be us.  Nearly two years of this would exhaust anyone.  I want to enjoy the spring - enjoy camping, canoeing, crawfish festivals, tubing, weddings, and just enjoy Randy.  To be a couple without this devestation always hanging around.  And we can replenish the savings account instead of constantly emptying it.  And hopefully even go back to Jamaica for our 3 year anniversary!  We had so much fun and it would be a good trip to get away.  If not there, we will definately do something to get away.  So maybe in June we will start back up.  By then we'll have a full bank account - emotional and financial.  Hopefully it will work the first time.  But if not, I'll be able to handle it.  If we had another failure in the next month or so, we couldn't handle it.  So look forward to a few months of more uplifting blogs - hopefully with lots of pictures from an enjoyable spring.  In the meantime - here is the first picture - our new puppy Hannah.  She is an 8 week old 11" beagle.  I chose Hannah for this reason -

Hannah was the childless woman how wasn't just sad, she was desperate for a child.  She lived for years in this desperation. 
8)And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?(H) Am I not more to you than ten sons?"  9) After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. 
She had the strength to continue on.  In her pain and desperation for a child, she kept her faith.  She stood up when our legs feel broken.  She then cried out to the Lord in such an impassioned cry the priest thought she was drunk.  She prayed her heartache, her grief, her torture and gave her desire and burden to God.  And the best part?  He heard her cry and eventually answered her prayer. 

Hannah is my reminder that even when I feel that God isn't listening, He has plan for us and He does hear my cry.

2/18

It was negative.

Tick Tock

THIS IS THE LONGEST WEEK AND A HALF EVER!!!!!

Some Early Good News

I got the call today from FINO on the cryopreservation. They froze
12!! That is fantastic! It means all 14 that were looking perfect at
day 3 made it to the blastocysts stage - and actually a day past to
make it to the preservation stage. And even better news - I'll
probably never have to do the first phase of this again. You know, the
massive pain part of it. So even if t works, when we want more
children we just do thaw and do another transfer.

Such a blessing!

Torture!

I am only on day 2 of a 10 day wait! I am not going to be able to
STAND this for 8 more days!! Any suggestions for ways to take my mind
off this?!

Now the Wait Begins

Today went very well.  I wasn't near as nervous of course, because the transfer procedure is a much simpler procedure.  Everything almost went smoothly - our doctor's car overheated on the way to Metarie.  We were going to wait, but when it was too long, they asked if we would mind another doctor doing the procedure, and we were ok with that.  I'm reposting the picture so I can describe it a little more.  FINO did a day 5 blastocyst transfer for us.  This isn't always recommended, but it is recommended for younger patients with a high number of healthy embryos.  Less may make it to day 5, but they are stronger and healthier when they do.  So clinics can implant 2 blastocysts versus 3-4 day 3 embryos and still have high or higher pregnancy rates while eliminating the risk of triplets or higher.  At day 5, you can tell the health of an embryo because at this point, it is now using it's own genes to create energy for division instead of the parents.  I'm such an engineer, but I found this fascinating.  Here is a link with a lot of blastocyst information.  Our embryos were very high grade - this is seen due to the 2 distinct masses.  You can see the outer edge of cells that become a placenta and the inner mass (surrounded by a fluid cavity) that will become the baby.  If you look close to the one of the left, you can see the white circumference - this is the shell it should hatch out of today before it implants.  There were 4 perfect embryos, and should be more that completely develop.  So we'll have some frozen embryos.  The neatest part of this is that if it works, this is our first baby photos! :)  How often do you get to have a photo of your child 5 days after conception?  Great thing to pull out one day to the future boyfriends/girlfriends!

Two Beautiful Embryos

Day 3 Results - Looking Great!

So far so good!  On our day 3 embryo evaluation, we had the following results:
9 - 8 cell grade 4 embryos
5 - 8 cell grade 3 embryos
3 - 6 cell and 5 cell embryos
Looking results up online, it sounds like FINO's grading is reversed.  The nurse told me that grade 3 and 4 are the embryos that "make the babies".  So we have 14 high quality embryos as of day 3.  We will transfer on day 5 when they are in the blastocyst state.  This helps give an even better assessment of embryo quality - and in the end results in a higher rate of pregnancy.  We are able to do this because had so many high quality embryos.  It also puts the embryo where it should be on day 5, as opposed to a day 3 transfer where the embryo in a natural pregnancy hasn't traveled that far yet!  So tomorrow morning at 8 is our embryo transfer, and things look good so far.  Just continue to pray for good development and for everything to go perfectly tomorrow!  Let's hope tomorrow is finally our day!

Yay!

Good news!! 17/20 fertilized! All may not make it (stop dividing due
to DNA problems) but 17 to start with is fantastic! Hopefully we'll
get plenty of grade A embryos and not ever have to do this first part
again. It's not pleasant at all. Keep praying!

We've Topped the Hill

I am going to have to say the worst is over. I was really nervous about today, but I think it was more the IV was the worry.  I am NOT a fan of needles.  But the IV went ok, I only almost passed out, I didn't completely!  I know that warm tingly pre black out feeling so well now that I know when to lay down!  But once that was done and we were ready to go back, I remember the Anesthesiologist telling me he was putting in the medicine to put me to sleep, then he was waking me up.  Not bad at all!  And the doctor came into my room while I was still groggy, so Randy had to refresh me of this later - but he was expecting 16 mature eggs, and he got 20, and most of them were grade 3, some grade 2.  Grade 3 is the good grade that you want.  So they have plenty of good eggs to work with, which is good!  So the nurse will call us in the morning to let us know how fertilization is going.  Usually around 70% fertilize, so let's just hope we get some great grade A embryos!  Dr. Dunaway also said he expects me to come back for the transfer Tuesday (a 5 day transfer, I would have thought Monday). The bad thing, is if the transfer Tuesday, that's 3 days of bed rest I'll be out of work.  Oh wait, did I say bad thing?... My mistake!

On Our Way

We are on our way to the Egg Aspiration (retrieval). Say a prayer!

Pain, Pain and More Pain

This is not fun at all!  I just want to get my whining out of the way initially - it hurts to walk!  Every step I take I can feel pain in my ovaries they are so large.  I went to the doctor Monday morning, and it was borderline.  I had one or two 18mm (the magic number) and a lot of 16s and 17s.  After getting my blood work, they decided to give me one more night of stimulants and I had to go back Tuesday morning.  It was only 2 more shots, and they weren't that bad.  So I went back for another ultrasound and blood work, and once finished I was sitting in the room waiting on my nurse.  The nurse at the station was looking at my file and said "Good Lord, Ashley!  Are you hurting?"  My reply of course was, "Well yeah! How come?"  She said I had at least 7 on one side and 8 on the other that were already ready (at least 18mm or higher)  And those were just the ready ones, I had QUITE a few more on each ovary.  Once Jackie came in, she said once I trigger (Ovadril) they mature and I'll have more mature, so she is guessing at least 9 eggs per ovary.  Some could be empty or have multiple, but just looking at it, we could get around 20 eggs.  This is good, because not all eggs will fertilize (apparently you are born with 1/3 of your eggs capable of fertilization.)  So Thursday, 2/4 will be our egg aspiration.


So everything is going great!  The two nurses said I am responding fantastic to IVF, which is expected due to age and issues.  Ok, the bad news - the day of the aspiration, I have to start taking an intramuscular injection for progesterone.  It's an oil going into the muscle, so it's  THICK needle.  I about stroked.  I spoke with Dow's Medical department, and they can give it to me during the week.  And I've asked my Sunday School teacher Lenna (a retired nurse!) to at least start us on the weekend and maybe show Randy how.  After seeing the needle though, I love my husband dearly, but I am not sure if I want him coming at me with that thing.  It's huge!  So we'll see what happens.  The funny thing is I have had 2 people say to me after telling them this "Well I bet Randy sure is relieved he might not have to do this!"  My response?  Randy?? If he messes it up it's an oops - but for me it's an OUCH!  I think their sympathy might be sliiighlty misplaced, because I am sure the "this hurts me more than it does you" doesn't apply!