Follow Up Appointment

        I went in for our follow up appointment today.  I managed to not cry at all, so I think it was a huge success!  When Dr. Dunaway first walked in, he was shaking his head saying he had no reason, no excuse.  Everything went beyond textbook.  He even told me that of the entire IVF group in that cycle, he expected me to be the one pregnant with twins, and I ended up being the only one not pregnant.  I know he didn't mean it bad, it was just true, but it was just another blow to my ego.  More like, what in the world is wrong with me then?  Even with perfect appearing embryos, they can still be genetically unviable.  So they probably just picked the 2 that weren't right.  The other doctors and even the embryologist had no idea what happened.  Even having 12 grade 4 embryos to freeze is way above average and not normal at all.  So we have no idea.  We just hope there isn't something else wrong with me that hasn't been found yet. 

        So maybe May, more likely June, we'll try again.  More shots, but not near as many.  And the costs will be significantly less.  So hopefully the spring will go well, and we will be optimistic and ready to go again in June.  He even told us to be just as optimistic for the frozen transfer as the fresh, because we will get pregnant.  I'm not going to lie, optimism during that 2 week wait is just about impossible.  You have nothing to think about but "did it work?"  I keep telling myself it's in God's hands and there are reasons for everything - but you reach the point where it is only hollow words.  I am trying to keep my faith, but it's shattered at the moment.  And it's still raining so hard I can no longer hear Him through this storm. 

Smile for the Day!

The Next Step

The past few days have been hard.  It has been a time for Randy and I to look at everything and evaluate.  We have decided to take a break for a while.  We tried a year on our own with no success.  This was followed by 10 months of expensive and invasive tests, procedures, and in the end - failures.  We do have 12 frozen embryos, but my emotional bank account is empty.  It is actually in the red.  I need to go back to normal.  We need to go back to normal and be us.  Nearly two years of this would exhaust anyone.  I want to enjoy the spring - enjoy camping, canoeing, crawfish festivals, tubing, weddings, and just enjoy Randy.  To be a couple without this devestation always hanging around.  And we can replenish the savings account instead of constantly emptying it.  And hopefully even go back to Jamaica for our 3 year anniversary!  We had so much fun and it would be a good trip to get away.  If not there, we will definately do something to get away.  So maybe in June we will start back up.  By then we'll have a full bank account - emotional and financial.  Hopefully it will work the first time.  But if not, I'll be able to handle it.  If we had another failure in the next month or so, we couldn't handle it.  So look forward to a few months of more uplifting blogs - hopefully with lots of pictures from an enjoyable spring.  In the meantime - here is the first picture - our new puppy Hannah.  She is an 8 week old 11" beagle.  I chose Hannah for this reason -

Hannah was the childless woman how wasn't just sad, she was desperate for a child.  She lived for years in this desperation. 
8)And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?(H) Am I not more to you than ten sons?"  9) After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. 
She had the strength to continue on.  In her pain and desperation for a child, she kept her faith.  She stood up when our legs feel broken.  She then cried out to the Lord in such an impassioned cry the priest thought she was drunk.  She prayed her heartache, her grief, her torture and gave her desire and burden to God.  And the best part?  He heard her cry and eventually answered her prayer. 

Hannah is my reminder that even when I feel that God isn't listening, He has plan for us and He does hear my cry.

2/18

It was negative.

Tick Tock

THIS IS THE LONGEST WEEK AND A HALF EVER!!!!!

Some Early Good News

I got the call today from FINO on the cryopreservation. They froze
12!! That is fantastic! It means all 14 that were looking perfect at
day 3 made it to the blastocysts stage - and actually a day past to
make it to the preservation stage. And even better news - I'll
probably never have to do the first phase of this again. You know, the
massive pain part of it. So even if t works, when we want more
children we just do thaw and do another transfer.

Such a blessing!

Torture!

I am only on day 2 of a 10 day wait! I am not going to be able to
STAND this for 8 more days!! Any suggestions for ways to take my mind
off this?!