Follow Up Appointment

        I went in for our follow up appointment today.  I managed to not cry at all, so I think it was a huge success!  When Dr. Dunaway first walked in, he was shaking his head saying he had no reason, no excuse.  Everything went beyond textbook.  He even told me that of the entire IVF group in that cycle, he expected me to be the one pregnant with twins, and I ended up being the only one not pregnant.  I know he didn't mean it bad, it was just true, but it was just another blow to my ego.  More like, what in the world is wrong with me then?  Even with perfect appearing embryos, they can still be genetically unviable.  So they probably just picked the 2 that weren't right.  The other doctors and even the embryologist had no idea what happened.  Even having 12 grade 4 embryos to freeze is way above average and not normal at all.  So we have no idea.  We just hope there isn't something else wrong with me that hasn't been found yet. 

        So maybe May, more likely June, we'll try again.  More shots, but not near as many.  And the costs will be significantly less.  So hopefully the spring will go well, and we will be optimistic and ready to go again in June.  He even told us to be just as optimistic for the frozen transfer as the fresh, because we will get pregnant.  I'm not going to lie, optimism during that 2 week wait is just about impossible.  You have nothing to think about but "did it work?"  I keep telling myself it's in God's hands and there are reasons for everything - but you reach the point where it is only hollow words.  I am trying to keep my faith, but it's shattered at the moment.  And it's still raining so hard I can no longer hear Him through this storm.