It's POSITIVE

We had our beta yesterday and it was positive!!  A 128!  And as you can see from the picture the day before, I've been excited!  And pretty much too excited and busy to write this very important entry.  Randy and I are so happy, we have never reached this point.  We want the prayers to continue so we can make it past the first trimester.  

Our next step is another beta on Tuesday, 6/29.  They want the number to double every 2 days, or every 48-72 hours is ok.  They will do a couple of betas and then schedule an ultrasound around 7 weeks.  I am currently 4 weeks pregnant.  So lets pray that everything continues to go well!  

I would like to start writing about each week, where the baby is and what is happening with me, but I am afraid to jinx it!  I will say that the morning sickness has started!  The first 2 times it was when I was hungry and didn't eat quick enough.  But last night I was reading a wave of nausea hit me, I had to put the book down and lay down.  The fun has began!  I've never been so excited to get sick in my life!  

One more non-jinxing moment hopefully - the due date will be around March 3, 2011.  :)

Transfer Day

Well today was our FET transfer day!! The transfer went smoothly and ideal, so no problems there. They thawed the first straw, and only one made it :(. But they thawed the second straw and both made it! So we put back 3 perfect blastocysts! Here is a picture of 1 of the 3. Secretly I think I was hoping for 3, just to up my chances since the likelihood of triplets was low. I think I should be knocking on wood about right now? ;) Randy is a little nervous though, which is understandable! I just really hope this is it and we don't have to go through this again. I'm tired of needles, and strict schedules, and all around disappointment. I'm ready to be pregnant, so that I can move on to the freaking out because I'm pregnant and don't know what to do! I've been focused for over 2 years on the getting pregnant part - don't know much about what to do after! But at least on that end, I'll have people to talk to who have been on THAT part of the journey! So keep praying and cross all your fingers and toes!

Quick FET Update

The dates have changed slightly.  The FET will be pushed back by a day to Wednesday the 16th.  I went in for my ultrasound/blood work on Wednesday and my estrogen was a little low and the lining wasn't as thick as they would like it.  I'm trying not to worry, but they sounded surprised so it did scare me a little.  They gave me additional estrogen to take, so I really hope it works.  They didn't want to do another ultrasound/blood work before the ultrasound, which has me a little worried.  I might call on Monday and ask them about it.  The GOOD news is that the pregnancy test will stay the same, Friday the 26th.  With moving it back a day, 10 days later is on a Saturday, but they want me to still test on Friday.  So now instead of a 10 day wait, I have a 9 day wait.  A little ray of sunshine, right?  I started my daily Progesterone IM shots today, ouch - so it's a needle or more  day now.  And if it's positive, the progesterone continues for at least 3 additional weeks.  OUCH!  At least I'll be a happy-hormonal-morning-sick pin cushion!  Keep praying!!

To 1 or to 3

We went to the doctor today to discuss our options for the FET (frozen embryo transfer).  They will unfreeze 1 straw with 2 embryos, but not all the embryos always survive.  We had to decide if we wanted to stay with 1 or unfreeze another.  If another was unfrozen, and both survived, then we had 3 embryos.  We were torn on what to do, so we went to get the doctor's opinion!  My biggest fear is "what if all 3 take?"  I think I might die.  From lack of sleep.  And money.  And Randy might leave me.  :)  All those sound like bad options on my end.  But then we weigh the options - the first failed, so what are the chances that ALL 3 would take?  And I'd really rather not have to write another BFN next to my user signature on my fertility forum sight.  It's getting long, and a BFP would look so much better.  The doctor advised if it comes to that, to unthaw another straw and put back 3.  He said our odds of all taking are around 5%, and it would more likley be twins.  Which I can totally live with!  So if everything goes ok, our transfer will be June 15th, and the beta test on June 25th.  Keep praying!!

Babydust!!

Here We Go Again

We started shots again yesterday, 5/23.  We are on short protocol Ganirelix, and when this cycle starts about 5 days later I'll start my intramuscular shots again.  This time I have both Estrogen and Progesterone.  The tentative schedule is the transfer will be around June 15th, with the beta test 10 days later.  I do have a lot more to say, but not enough time to say it in.  I think this entire process is just wearing on me - I'm sick of needles!

Bad Day Turned Great

Today started out slightly miserably.  I decided to check Aetna and see if my medication for our next round of FET IVF (Frozen Embryo Transfer) had posted yet.  It had.  I expected it to be less than previous, because I needed no stimulants with this being a frozen cycle.  It was slightly less, but not much.  It was over double what I had been expecting!  After that initial shock, I then noticed the Estrogen Injection. Last time I was able to take a pill, but I am guessing due to the failure of the first IVF they have decided to up the ante.  So then I just lost it - I was emotionally terrified of doing this second round, now it was more injections with lots more money.  Something has to give!

I started looking closer and didn't see any location where the prescriptions were coming out of my flexible spending so I called Aetna.  I apparently have an out-of-pocket max on RX each year at $1000.  I have apparently met it, so all my prescriptions for the rest of the year are covered at 100%!!  So all of these fertility meds are free instead of 1200!!  Also with my plan, there is no cap on fertility drug coverage, and there usually is.  So instead of this round of FET costing around 1000+ it will be around 500 max!  How fantastic is that?  It just released some of the worry over the success of this next round.  If it fails again, it will be much easier to turn around, hold my head up and try again. 

Great day!!

An Article That Needs Reading

I found this recently during a bad day.  I've been thinking a break will make things better, but they seem to get worse.  Things just don't want to heal.  I think this is worth reading for anyone who even knows anyone dealing with infertility.



Infertility: I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me
By Ryan Jacobson, Contributing Writer




Five years into our marriage and still no children. We had tried it all -- test after test, doctor after doctor, procedure after procedure. Every "specialist" to whom we were referred claimed to have the solution, yet nothing worked. No one knew what was wrong with us physically. Worse still, no one knew what was wrong with us emotionally -- not even we did.

A Death In The Family



Grief is the most selfish of all emotions, and infertility is grief -- a grief that no one else quite understands. In fact, most people don't have a clue.


When you are suffering through infertility, every day that you awaken NOT PREGNANT opens a new wound. It's another death in the family. Yes, the pain can be that significant. Every minute of every day is spent mourning the loss of a child -- your child.


They say that time heals all wounds, but not this one. Time is your enemy. Every day is another funeral, another failure.


At least, that's how my wife and I felt.


I Am Alone


If you've ever experienced the loss of a loved one, you might have a frame of reference for what I am describing. That's not to belittle the grief associated with death, nor is it to say that the feelings are one and the same. They aren't. But they do share the emotional exhaustion, the intensity of pain and the complete isolation. You are alone and helpless. Even your spouse, your partner, your love, your rock --they are absent; they cannot be there because their daily heartbreak isolates them, too.


Infertility is death, but with this tragedy there is no funeral. There is no gathering of friends and family. There is no closure. And as so often is the case, when you need your support system most, you haven't the strength to ask for help. No one will take care of you because they do not know they are needed.


You break all ties, further isolating yourself. You can't go out because -- heaven forbid -- you may see someone pregnant or with a young child. You start skipping birthday parties. Family reunions are out of the question because Cousin Martha has a baby on the way. Getting together "just to hang out" is no fun because they don't understand. (And who wants to be with a bunch of happy people anyway?) If you're religious, you might even start asking yourself, "Can I love a God who will not give me a child?"


You're left without the energy or the will to so much as dial a telephone. Your loved ones begin to wonder, "What's their problem?" Soon you become a punch line. "What do you think their excuse will be this time?" And then you realize that your support system is gone. Now, even if you mustered the courage to reach out, to ask for help, there would be no one left to answer.


What Should I Do?


I decided to write about infertility because you need to know. If you are struggling with infertility issues, recognize your grief. Acknowledge it. Then send this page to everyone you know. That's all you have to do for now. Your loved ones will take care of the rest.


How Can I Help Someone I Love?


If you know someone who is having difficulty starting a family, understand that they need you. I can't tell you what they need, except to know that you are there for them unconditionally. Your relationship will likely be a little bumpy for a while. Heck, it might be a lot bumpy. You must take it upon yourself to single-handedly keep the relationship alive. Touch base often, and make time to hang out (even if you have to drag them, kicking and screaming the whole way). If you have kids, leave them at home -- your joy is their heartbreak. And realize that quality, one-on-one time is far better than big, blowout parties.


Resist that natural human tendency to "keep score." It doesn't matter if you've called them 10 times in row and they haven't reciprocated. They probably don't have the strength. Like I mentioned before, you're entering a stretch of time in which you may have to do all of the work. Hopefully, the day will never come when it's their turn to do the same. But if it does, you can bet they'll be there for you.


At least once a week, you also need to ask specifically about their infertility and how things are going. I know: "Infertility" is a scary word to vocalize, but do it anyway. Maybe they won't want to talk about it. Respect that. But maybe they need to vent. Listen and be supportive; that alone will go a long way.


Finally, I want to encourage you to be persistent. This isn't a grief that gets easier with time. It gets harder. The longer they go through this, the more painful it will become and the more they will need you....