Why We Share

"Why or why not do you choose to share your infertility struggles with others?"

I've been meaning to write about this topic for a while.  It seems to be an insignificant aside to infertility as a whole, but when one phone call can make your life hit a brick wall, it is a huge decision.  Infertility is a very emotional, invasive, and private matter.  Lots of people choose to deal with it alone as a couple, deal with it with a close group of people, or like me, share it with anyone interested.  I thought I would share my reasons for writing this blog in order to help any others who may one day be where we are.

1.  Prayer.  Pure and simple.  We believe in the power of prayer, and we have seen it work in our live and others.  We have seen God do what we thought was impossible.  Our entire relationship has been God driven - from Randy's activation, to my getting a job in Baton Rouge and Randy transferring to LSU.  I've written a previous post when Randy graduated that highlighted all those blessings (May 2009, Moving Mountains.)  The more people who are praying for us, the better.

2.  Understanding.  I am normally a very open person with anything that is going on, so I don't hide emotions well.  When I am upset, everyone and their mother can tell.  I knew this journey would be no different, actually much worse.  I have isolated myself from friends at times because it was the only way to keep myself together at the seams.  If my friends didn't know, they would not have understood and could have taken as a slight.  By telling them, they were able to help me when I needed it, and grant me understanding when I needed that.  By knowing, people understand when I avoid baby showers or events that will only intensify my pain.

3.  Prevention.  The worst feeling in the beginning was when people didn't know.  We had been trying for a year before we knew anything was wrong, and comments like "When are you going to have kids?" "You're not getting any younger" "God made marriage for children, so you shouldn't wait" hurt then.  And yes, that last one was a sermon from our pastor one day.  I was ready to storm the stage, but his 6'4" football player frame still scared me away.  People didn't know we were trying, so when I started to worry if something was wrong, those comments hurt.  They are more torturous now, but much less in number.  By sharing with most people I know, they avoid small talk comments that to most sound innocent, but to someone in our situation will rip your heart out. 

4. Witnessing.  I started the blog to keep family and friends up to date.  Also it was a way for me to vent feelings and chronicle the journey.  I have heard from a few people that are starting the same journey that it has been helpful and great for them to read.  And even just an encouragement for others.  I never intended, or even thought of it that way, but it is encouraging to know it has been helpful.  I can be a witness/support to others experiencing the pain and heartbreak that can only be understood by a mom without a child. 

I am not saying that this is the way to go for everyone.  I've always been an open book, so it was natural for me.  I wanted to give my reasons for sharing my journey for anyone that has ever wondered why… or may even be struggling with this question themselves.

Bitterness of Soul

"In bitterness of soul, Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:10

"As month after month, then year after year, passed without the blessing of a living child in our home, my soul learned the foul taste of bitterness.  My angry, festering heart ached constantly.  That Hannah "wept much" seems to be a terribly inadequate description for the torrent of tears that accompanied me through years of longing and loss." - Jennifer Saake, Hannah's Hope

     Unfortunately bitterness is an emotion that always parallels infertility trials.  Months and years of trying to conceive accompanied by the emotional roller coaster of hopes rising only to be crushed.  Procedures get more expensive, more invasive, more painful.  For others, adoption failures also gather in emotional and financial expense.  Yet all around us, there are reminders of what we don't have.  Families and motherhood are such a normal, inescapable part of life, you don't realize the constant burn of these daily reminders until you've dealt with infertility. The worst is that I long to be normal.  To celebrate pregnancies and births with people I care about.  But their joy only deepens my pain. It then further causes me to distance myself from those that I need the most.

     Then you can add the normal events of life to the feeling of "why me?"  I fight the daily bitter anger toward people I feel don't deserve the blessing of motherhood.  The relative who is unmarried and a drug addict.  The teenager that doesn't want an inconvienince, so she aborts her child.  These seemingly unfair situations cause pain so deep I've cried out resentfully to God in my anger.

     How do I deal with this bitterness?  I need to turn it over to God.  And I am trying, but it is a daily struggle.  I've been thinking of the blessings I've been given, and trying to see lives from others' shoes.  The women who don't have the love of someone like Randy, that don't know Christ - maybe God is using children to bring them to Him.  Maybe the child will be the blessing that turns their lives around.  We all have these feelings of anger sometimes.  I just feel I need help in trying to overcome it.  I need the help of you - my friends and family who care about me and are reading this blog.  I don't want this pain to rule my life.  I don't think it will heal completely anytime soon, but with God's help - and the help of you - I want to learn to manage it.  I think this pain will always be part of me, but it's not going to define me.

Follow Up Appointment

        I went in for our follow up appointment today.  I managed to not cry at all, so I think it was a huge success!  When Dr. Dunaway first walked in, he was shaking his head saying he had no reason, no excuse.  Everything went beyond textbook.  He even told me that of the entire IVF group in that cycle, he expected me to be the one pregnant with twins, and I ended up being the only one not pregnant.  I know he didn't mean it bad, it was just true, but it was just another blow to my ego.  More like, what in the world is wrong with me then?  Even with perfect appearing embryos, they can still be genetically unviable.  So they probably just picked the 2 that weren't right.  The other doctors and even the embryologist had no idea what happened.  Even having 12 grade 4 embryos to freeze is way above average and not normal at all.  So we have no idea.  We just hope there isn't something else wrong with me that hasn't been found yet. 

        So maybe May, more likely June, we'll try again.  More shots, but not near as many.  And the costs will be significantly less.  So hopefully the spring will go well, and we will be optimistic and ready to go again in June.  He even told us to be just as optimistic for the frozen transfer as the fresh, because we will get pregnant.  I'm not going to lie, optimism during that 2 week wait is just about impossible.  You have nothing to think about but "did it work?"  I keep telling myself it's in God's hands and there are reasons for everything - but you reach the point where it is only hollow words.  I am trying to keep my faith, but it's shattered at the moment.  And it's still raining so hard I can no longer hear Him through this storm. 

Smile for the Day!

The Next Step

The past few days have been hard.  It has been a time for Randy and I to look at everything and evaluate.  We have decided to take a break for a while.  We tried a year on our own with no success.  This was followed by 10 months of expensive and invasive tests, procedures, and in the end - failures.  We do have 12 frozen embryos, but my emotional bank account is empty.  It is actually in the red.  I need to go back to normal.  We need to go back to normal and be us.  Nearly two years of this would exhaust anyone.  I want to enjoy the spring - enjoy camping, canoeing, crawfish festivals, tubing, weddings, and just enjoy Randy.  To be a couple without this devestation always hanging around.  And we can replenish the savings account instead of constantly emptying it.  And hopefully even go back to Jamaica for our 3 year anniversary!  We had so much fun and it would be a good trip to get away.  If not there, we will definately do something to get away.  So maybe in June we will start back up.  By then we'll have a full bank account - emotional and financial.  Hopefully it will work the first time.  But if not, I'll be able to handle it.  If we had another failure in the next month or so, we couldn't handle it.  So look forward to a few months of more uplifting blogs - hopefully with lots of pictures from an enjoyable spring.  In the meantime - here is the first picture - our new puppy Hannah.  She is an 8 week old 11" beagle.  I chose Hannah for this reason -

Hannah was the childless woman how wasn't just sad, she was desperate for a child.  She lived for years in this desperation. 
8)And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad?(H) Am I not more to you than ten sons?"  9) After they had eaten and drunk in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. 
She had the strength to continue on.  In her pain and desperation for a child, she kept her faith.  She stood up when our legs feel broken.  She then cried out to the Lord in such an impassioned cry the priest thought she was drunk.  She prayed her heartache, her grief, her torture and gave her desire and burden to God.  And the best part?  He heard her cry and eventually answered her prayer. 

Hannah is my reminder that even when I feel that God isn't listening, He has plan for us and He does hear my cry.

2/18

It was negative.

Tick Tock

THIS IS THE LONGEST WEEK AND A HALF EVER!!!!!