A Reminder for Faith

Wow. God is amazing.

We have had our ups and downs with infertility. With me, mostly downs. I would like to say I kept my faith through it all, but I didn't. I hit so many bottoms I never saw a way out. I screamed and cursed and cried out to God "Why us?!" Why would a loving God give children to so many people that never wanted them, but deny us - who ached for a child. Even after finally succeeding and being blessed with Garrett, I still never wrapped my head around it.

Until this past week. The Sunday sermon was geared toward high school graduates. God is in control. Good or bad, whatever comes our way has nothing to do with us, only with Him. What?! God does not bless us because of anything we have done? All our blessings are for HIS glory. We have all we owe to Him. I've heard that part before and always associated it with the good in life. But infertility? Not being allowed to have children? - but ALL is for his glory. The sermon ended with all we owe him and should praise God for- "Your graduation. Your career. Your family.... Your cancer. Your infertility. Your barrenness."

Then it hit me. God gave me all of my wonderful blessings. More than most will ever see But he also gave us infertility. For His glory. And why? Wow. I would never lump infertility into God's purpose, but it is there. I think I know why. But I need His grace to remember it as I carry this scar and it's damage the rest of my life. And to be able to help others suffering from this heartbrake.

Garrett at 4 Months

Ok, I am a pretty bad blogger! I've gotten an iPhone app, so hopefully it will help keep me up to date! Garrett us turning 4 months on Thursday! Time has flown by. I am wanting to keep an update of his milestones for if I ever get around to a baby book!

He is 14lb 8oz and 24.5 inches long! He'll eat about 6 ounces 5-6 times a day, still formula only. He is a crazy thumb sucker (just like his mama :). He'll put his left hand thumb in his mouth and rub his head with his right hand. No rolling over yet, but because he resist all tummy time with a fiery passion. As soon as he's on his back it's happy time. We keep thinking he'll get mad enough to role over at some pout ;-)

Poor baby is still in his brace. We go back July 1st for the 3 month check up with this nighttime brace (doesn't include the 8 weeks in the first brace.) hopefully we will get it off them with no more issues!

He can hold his head really steady and just looks around and watches everything. He laughs and smiles all the time at us and is generally a very happy baby. He wakes up grinning in the morning and goes to bed easily at night. He sleeps from about 8:00 until 5:00 each night and has been since around 2 months. He is spoiling us with what a happy baby he is! Randy and I can sit and watch his faces for hours, it never gets old...

Love

Was it all worth it? I think back on everything we went through. The years of trying, heartache, finanicial, failure. The joy of the pregnancy followed by the loss of his twin. The past 3 years have been a rollercoaster. And i would do it all and so much more just to see his smile.

His unbridled joy on his face when we wake him up each morning. Everytime I pick him up from daycare he grins from ear to ear. I just can't imagine loving him more if I tried. Thank you Lord
for all we experienced. It makes me appreciate even more what we have.

National Infertility Awareness Week: Mythbusters

This year for National Infertility Awareness Week they are encouraging all us infertiles to help bust an infertility myth.  My favorite one that needs to be blown to smithereens –

 

“It can’t be that bad, it could always be worse.”

 

Now I don’t know for sure if this qualifies as a myth, but it’s something we do hear and something EXTREMELY painful each time we hear it.  It could be worse is opinion, not fact.  It is from the eye of the beholder and an infertile has eyes that see the world much differently.  After our diagnosis, I felt like I could suddenly see things I never had before.  Everything you encounter on a daily basis reminds you of what you may never have – the families, the babies, a song, an invitation, television, advertisements, water cooler chitchat, family gatherings, church – well, basically anything, anytime, anywhere you go. 

 

Women don’t compartmentalize issues like men.  Everything we worry about will tend to bleed into our everyday lives.  The daily reminders of children never left my thoughts.  With every check up, attempt and failure, my thoughts remained focused on this goal whether I was in church or a project meeting.  I tried to leave it at home, but I was devastated.  And as the depression grew, I would receive this comment.  I started thinking, could it?

 

The answer was no.  I wanted to be a mom, to have our child.  To wake Randy up one morning with that positive pregnancy test after being a few days late.  I was grieving the loss of my dream.  The loss of ever having a child naturally, only with painful medical intervention.  The loss of my ability as a wife to do something seen as essential to my womanhood.  The loss of knowing whether or not it would ever be more than just us two.  But this grief had no closure such as when a loved one dies.  Each month you hope, you try again (possibly with thousands of dollars and lots of needles) and you wait.  When the cycle begins again you cry because the process starts over again.  It feels being on a rollercoaster of hope and despair that replays monthly.  I remember our first IUI I was so hopeful (and a little naïve) that it would work.  I remember sitting with my in-laws in Sunday School and I felt my cycle start.  I’ve never been so devastated and fought so hard not to cry (which I don’t think worked well at all!)  And all around me are families with beautiful children and events that I’m having to attend trying to be happy for them while devastated for us.  Life continued while it felt like we were left behind.  I avoided church with a preacher who had 9 children.  I avoided events with pregnant women or babies.  The one baby shower I worked up all my courage to attend because she was a close friend – I cried for 30 minutes in the bathroom on my husband’s shoulder.  And even worse, there are mothers who could not care less about their children while I’m screaming at God “WHY THEM?? And not me?..” And every day, there was no end in sight.  How long would this continue? Would we ever heal?

 

For us, it was 2.5 years before we did get pregnant and I consider that a blessing it didn’t go longer.  But that doesn’t change the severity of the time.  It will always be one of the most devastating periods in my life and will continue when it’s time for child number 2 – more test, needles, and money while we wait to see if the embryo takes.  Remember that “it could always be worse” is a perspective and that no one can relate who hasn’t been through infertility.  For a couple who has always wanted and prepared for children – infertility is the worst thing that could happen to them.  Remember to not trivialize it. 

 

 

Garrett Has Arrived! Part 2

They now had brought out the wheelchair to wheel me to admissions. About this time I thought, hmm, time to call work! I called Karen Williams and simply stated - "Uh, I am not going to make it in to work today, I am having a baby at 1:30! Tell the guys!". Needless to say, they didn't believe her at first. They are so used to tricking me and having me fall for everything, I think they thought they I was trying to get them back! If only that was it :-).

They then brought me to a labor/delivery prep room to get me good and liquid full for the epidural. At this point I am in full freak out mode and have yet to receive any happy drugs. I am calling my parents trying to make sure they were going to make it with my camcorder. I had my camera on me, but that was it! My mom was bringing the camcorder so we could start filming as soon as he arrived (no filming of the gore). Luckily they did! Within 45 minutes of arriving in the room and being pumped full of fluid, I was being wheeled to delivery! At this point, things get hazy. The happy drugs had arrived! I remember meeting up with Dr. Lee in the hall, the pinch of the epidural, the call to begin because my blood pressure was dropping. This was because fear had set in - I was about to be cut open while awake and become a mother! My day had not been prepped for this - planning lunch was all I'd thought about!

As it began, I could see some reflection in the light. Liquid red, not pleasant! Then Dr. Lee said ok, here he comes! I felt the pressure of the last 4 months on my ribs release and a few seconds later I heard him cry. It was incredible. The next 20 minutes were screaming, cleaning, Randy holding Garrett with my mom filming while I was being put back together. My first chance to hold him I was trying not to drop him due to the drugs. (I don't handle pain meds well, I get so sick!). The rest of the day is a blur - he was sent to NICU due to underdeveloped lungs, visitors came and went and the morphine kept me from remembering much!

Garrett Has Arrived! Part I

Wow, just wow.  That is really all I can say about the past half week.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions - shock, joy, excitement, anguish, terror - everything!  I wanted to share the full story of what happened instead of bits and pieces to people when I speak to them.  So here goes!

I had a routine doctor's appointment scheduled for Wednesday, February 9.  I had already begun my weekly OB appointments, and this one included an ultrasound.  At the last maternal fetal specialist appointment, we were concerned over weight and location, so this ultrasound was just to make sure he wasn't too small and to check his location (breech or not.)  Randy had to go to Port Barre for work, but he was going to attend the last ultrasound with me just to get to see it one last time before Garrett was born.  We went back at about 10:45 and began the ultrasound.  As soon as she put the wand on the top of my belly near my ribs, there his head still was!  He was still breech with his head in my left ribs.  We hoped he had switched, but apparently he was content where he was.  My first thought was 'well, looks like we'll be scheduling a c-section today.'  I knew when I went to Dr. Lee we would go ahead and schedule the section for the 39th week because he was very unlikely to turn at this point.  Her next evaluation was his size - around 6 lbs so that was great!  Even better when she began her next evaluation.  She began to measure the pockets of fluid and started making worried sounds.  Those hmm, let me check this kind of sounds.  She then asked if I had been leaking amniotic fluid.  I had no idea if I had, or even if I could have known.  At this point I am just trying to not wet myself every time I sneeze!  She said that my amniotic fluid was below a 5 so most likely I was having a baby today. I might have blacked out for a small minute, can't remember because at this point time seemed to speed up.  She left to call the doctor and about all I could get out to Randy was "Well, I'm glad you came with me today!" and "I'm not ready to be cut open!"  I thought we would be scheduling a c-section today with Dr. Lee, not scheduling the c-section FOR today!  She called Dr. Lee and then sent us up to see her right then - did not even finish the rest of the ultrasound.  My legs were a little wobbly as I headed to the elevator.


We went into the waiting room area for Dr. Lee after giving the nurse our paperwork.  Normally my waits have been less than 5 minutes before a nurse has me, then less than another 5 minutes before seeing Dr. Lee.  Today was the OPPOSITE.  It was about 15 minutes before getting called back and another 10 before seeing Dr. Lee.  This entire time I am about to lose it because I'd had not prepared at all for this!  I was only 36 weeks 4 days and didn't even have my suitcase finished packing!  His clothes were in a hamper waiting to be washed, my video camera was at home!  These thoughts kept running through my head as this sweet old lady decided she wanted to talk and talk and talk to me.  Maybe I had that deer in the headlights look and she was trying to talk me back from the ledge.  :)  When Dr. Lee came into the room, the first words out of her mouth were "It looks like we get to meet that baby boy today!"  Insert heart rate acceleration here.  My fluid had dropped below a 5 (it was 3.8) so it was at dangerous levels so it was a must deliver now situation.  After thinking back on it now, God must have decided I really was a weenie and couldn't handle pain, so he gave me the quickest most worry free way of delivering - an immediate unplanned c-section.  It was around 11:30 and the doctor was scheduling my c-section for 1:30.  Let the panic begin...

Infertility Survivors Guilt

Infertility survivors guilt.  Sounds a little ridiculous doesn't it?  I've come to learn it's something every pregnant infertile feels, but never wanted to write about it just in case I jinxed myself.  We are now starting week 35 and Garrett will be here before we know it, but I still can't help but feel the guilt.


Infertility is such an isolating experience.  No matter how much you love your family and friends, they can't completely relate.  If they themselves haven't experience infertility, they haven't experienced the pain. They haven't experienced the torrent of emotions - shock, anger, grief, bitterness, jealousy, hopelessness, heartbreak... shall I go on?  I tried so many times to pull myself out the hurt and just go back to the way things were before, but I couldn't.  I found my solace with other infertiles - women in person or online who were suffering the same pain and heartbreak I was.  They would understand when I complained about an unexpected pregnancy and they wouldn't judge when I purposely excluded myself from holiday celebrations.  These women knew what it was like to cry in the bathroom at a baby shower, to lose it in public when you started your period once again... and to have your husband roll over in bed to comfort you after you wake up in the middle of the night crying because your IVF cycle failed.  One thing we all shared was a secret hatred for any pregnant woman we ran across - and secretly tried to convince ourselves that our life was so much better than hers.  So what happens when we finally join the other team?


One big example of this guilt comes every time I visit my OBGYN.  Our physicians tower is set up where there are OB's covering the 4th and 5th floors of a 6th floor building.  The infertility specialist is on the 6th floor.  I remember visiting him so many times and riding the elevator with giant bellies and hating every one of them.  They always got off by the 5th floor and I had to continue onto the 6th.  When I started showing I wanted to leave the elevator at the 5th floor and yell back to any woman still going up - but I'm not one of them!!  I'm still an infertile!! 


And I know other infertiles are happy for me - I was happy when another woman FINALLY got the prize we were all seeking!  I was always truly happy for them because it reminded me that maybe there was light at the end of my tunnel also.  I still identify as an infertile - after Garrett is born there will never be a surprise little brother or sister.  There will be more needles and hormones and invasive procedures as they unfreeze one of our precious babies to transfer.  But I still have the guilt that I made it out at least once.  Am I crazy? Or is this normal in the infertility world?